Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails May07

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

The US just caught another notorious terrorist!
This is a fad that I really hope catches on!
Super Great Ads
These fantasy gamer guys are starting to take things a bit too far...

Quote of the Week

“Progress always involves risk. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.”

– Frederick B. Wilcox


Joke of the Week

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:






Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

British Constitution



Passive-aggressive disorder


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

You’re right; I can’t jump over that table.


Nice Email of the Week


I just watched your “Let’s Go Crazy” performance and I have to say… YOU ROCK!!! =)


Most Challenging Soccer Field Ever!
For some reason, Angela just never fit in with the other Goth girls.
Not sure she's wearing this right...
This looks safe!
There's probably another way they could have worded this headline.
I don't know how painting this affects your resale value...
At least he didn't fall asleep on the waffle iron again.
Puppy Pack
My kind of wedding!

Quote of the Week

“Defeat is simply a signal to press onward.”

– Helen Keller, author, lecturer


Joke of the Week

I met an older woman at a club last night.
She was OK  for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song and she
asked if I’d ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

“Mom you still awake?”


Nice Emails of the Week

Hey shortarmguy!

I wish there were more people like you were in the world! I admire the ways
you are able to take something that would be considered “disabling” to most people and make it into a source of strength and pride.

I check your website every morning for updates and I am proud to say that it is the highlight of my day! I myself, being a Minnesotan, love the way that you add your satirical and humorous touch to the way we “Minne-snow-tans” are viewed by others. I have a sense of pride to know that you are a fellow Minnesotan.   I have even sent links to your crazy e-mails to my all friends to enjoy. You really are an inspiration to all!

I feel silly admitting it, but I saw you once at a grocery store in Roseville (where I live) and I was so star stuck that I couldn’t even approach you. I whispered to my husband as we left, “Oh my gosh, that was short arm guy!!!” I wish I could have gotten a photo of us together or even a handshake, I’m sure you would have been flattered, I know
I would have!!!

I remember the first time I encountered your site. It was
2new years eve’s ago and I was sitting at home and was searching for  a
particular photo of Ray Charles singing into a backwards microphone. Low and behold, I stumbled on your site.

The hilarity that ensued was priceless!

I want to thank you for inspiring all that visit your site to remember that,
“handicapped is only a state of mind!”


Hello Todd

 My name is Santhush de Silva Mohotti and I live in Australia.  I am glad you liked the first email I sent you : ).  Just like everyone else in the rest of the world I have been visiting you web site for many years, but only now decided to forward something to you : ).  I will forward more stuff that you may like in the future.  I also would like to say that it is great to see the happy and successful life you are leading and it is an inspiration to me.

Take care.

Bye for now.

Best Train Ride Ever
How about next to the bushes?
Not a good place to sit, Kitty!
When I heard she was topless, I was thinking that sounded pretty cool...
Extreme Foosball
Global Hawk

Global Hawk

A picture of the Global Hawk UAV that returned from Iraq on Monday under its own power. (Iraq to Edwards AFB in CA) – Not transported via C5 or C17. Notice the mission paintings on the fuselage. It’s actually over 250 missions. That’s a long way for a remotely-piloted aircraft. Think of the technology (and the required quality of the data link to fly it remotely). Not only that but the pilot controlled it from a nice warm control panel at Edwards AFB. It has really long legs – – -it can stay up for almost 2 days at altitudes above 60k.

Most people have no idea what stealth brings to the battle. Basically, they come into the fight at a high mach thrust, start killing people way out with AMRAAMS, and continue doing that until everyone is dead, and no one ever sees them or paints them on radar. There is practically no radio chatter because all the guys in the flight are tied together electronically at Edwards AFB, and can see who is targeting who, and they have AWACS direct input and 360°situational awareness from that and other sensors.

Remember that when Global Hawk is on a killing mission in Iraq or Afghanistan, the “pilot” is sitting at a console at Edwards AFB in CA.

Quote of the Week

“Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them.”

– Ann Landers, columnist

Joke of the Week

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,

“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The Operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone,

“Oh, Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your

The Grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”

Here you go, Imus! A Nappy Headed Hoe
I think the protestors are starting to reach just a little bit for things to complain about...
The new R2D2 Mailboxes are being well received by the public.
Bucks don't need a big rack.... keep the doe's happy!
Effective Hearing Aid Ad
I don't know much about Woodpeckers, but this has to be the largest one on the planet!
Global Hawk

Quote of the Week

Whenever you fall, pick up something.”

– Oswald Avery, scientist

Joke of the Week

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, “Would
you care to do it again?”

He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, Oh, yes, let’s!

But let’s change positions.

This time, I’ll hold the pigeons down
and you shit on their heads.


Nice Emails of the Week

Hi Shortarmguy!

My name is Sian, and I’m currently studying English Literature and Creative Writing in Bangor, Great Britain.

I would just like you to know that I have been visiting your site every week for about three and a half years now, and every time I do, I come away smiling. You seem to have a gift for cheering up the entire world, and I for one, am grateful that you ignore all the stupid, narrow-minded comments you receive about your site’s content.

 If you want something to throw back in their faces, post this on your site.

I have been bullied my entire life about my weight in every school I ever went to. Children picked on me because I had a gap in my front teeth (Oh, how I hate Goofy), and I was mousy and bookish, and not particularly outgoing. This carried on from the age of five well into my late teens, and I was seriously down all the time. I didn’t want to go to school, or even interact with the outside world at all.  My older brother made my childhood a misery. He taunted me about my weight, made up lies about me when we were younger, and was generally all around mean. Since he was a drop out, and had put my parents through a lot of strife, I decided at a very early age that I would do my best to be the sort of daughter they could be proud of. I took GCSES, A-levels, and I’m now studying a degree. But somewhere along the line, I buckled under the years of peer-abuse and pressure, and it happened. Bulimia. Great, yeah? I tried to toe the line for other people my entire life, and now I’m a miserable, comfort-eating wreck.

I’m slowly getting back to some sort of normality. I’m not very good at eating out, and some days I just lock myself in my room and cry my eyes out because I’ve been conditioned by others to hate the way that I look.

 It’s on those days that I usually visit your site. Sometimes I watch the videos (I liked the little Budweiser Clydesdale), or the funniest emails, but I think my favourites are the emails that make me think. And somehow, I always feel better afterwards.

 So, you people who oppose Shortarmguy:

Is it wrong for a man to harness the power of laughter in any form so that he can make the entire world forget all their troubles, even if only for a second? Surely, God has bigger things on his mind than a few “inappropriate” pictures on the internet?

 And here’s my contribution (I’m probably going to Hell for reading Harry Potter anyway).

 #1. The funniest Youtube video I’ve seen in a long time. Stick the 3.14 minutes out. It’s worth it. (I bet Shortarmguy wishes he could have days like these in the office)


and a picture of me, promoting the site!

Enjoy and God Bless!

Sian. XXX

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