On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
May 27, 2001 Emails
Subject: Sensitivity Training
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance
of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won’t work.
TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
Thank You,
The Human Resource Department
TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a prick.
TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting bitch.
May 19, 2001 Emails
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests…
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
May 12, 2001 Emails
May 5, 2001 Emails
Annual Physical
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.”
“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
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