On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
February 25, 2007
Quote of the Week
“One worthwhile task carried to a successful conclusion is worth half-a-hundred half-finished tasks.”
– Malcolm S. Forbes, publisher
Joke of the Week
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said,
“Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said,
“Good boy.”
He turned to the other man and said,
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said,
“That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent,
“What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied,
“He just found a bomb
Nice Emails of the Week
Hey,
My name is Mason. I’m 20 years old and I live in Vermont. I was just stumbling around the interweb today, and happened across your site. I think it’s great! I laughed my ass off and sent the links to the rest of my family. I’ve had to deal with people staring at me and asking me stupid questions all my life as well. Not quite to the same degree that you have, but I get daily stares and questions. I’m 6’9″ and proud of it. I think the thing that still surprises me the most is that people actually seem to think that asking me “How’s the weather up there?” is funny. Not only is it not funny, it’s not terribly original. If people don’t say that, they ask me if I play basketball. Which I don’t. The reason I’m so tall is because I have a genetic disorder called Marfans. I happen to be very lucky that it’s a mild case and has only affected my size and my heart to a small degree. Because of the marfans I cannot play contact sports or sports that will stress my heart in any way. So sometimes, when I’m having a bad day, and someone obnoxiously asks me how the weather is up here I have been known to spit or blow a wet raspberry and tell them that it’s raining. Or if they ask me why I don’t play basketball I’ll tell them that if i do, my heart will explode. So my dad decided to help me out and for my last birthday got me a shirt that says on the front I’m 6’8″, I don’t play basketball, The weather is fine.
I know it’s not the most original thing ever, but I thought I’d share it with you. I’ve attached a copy of a picture of me wearing the shirt (I’m at a party, it was about 100 degrees in there).
Enjoy, and thanks for reading my slightly long winded email.
-Mason
Todd, It appears that we found a picture of you when you were a baby.
You may have short arms, but they are just long enough to hold the most important objects in every man’s life.
Cheers!
JON BARBOUR
February 18, 2007
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The Top 18 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans
- Barack to the future!
- Please ignore the Middle-Easterny name.
- Because the whole “slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name” thing didn’t work out so well.
- Face it, America: It’s me or the Ice Woman.
- Once you go Barack, you never go back.
- Barack: Cultural Learning’s of Books and the Enlightenment for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of America
- Hey, what’s the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!
- Not Hillary Clinton for president.
- Your last chance for a black president before the country’s overrun by Mexicans.
- Straight Outta Cul-de-sac
- He beats Hillary hands down in the bathing suit competition!
- After our last president, we need one Hussein.
- Obama: Just pretend he’s Irish.
- Restoring English as the official language of State of the Union addresses.
- C’mon, you KNOW you want to see Trent Lott piss his pants!
- America: Movin’ on up!
- It’s time for a different B.O. in the White House.
and the Number 1 Barack Obama Campaign Slogan…
- As American as imam’s apple pie
Quote of the Week
“It matters not what a person is born, but (whom) they choose to be.”
– J. K. Rowling, author
Joke of the Week
7 years of the Married Cold
- 1st year — The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”
- 2nd year — “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”
- 3rd year — “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”
- 4th year — “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”
- 5th year — “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”
- 6th year — “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”
7th year — “ Oh For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”
Nice Email of the Week
Chad Hornbuckle has been a close friend of mine since we were kids. Chad is dealing with some pretty serious challenges as can be seen by this email he sent me this week. Please keep him in your prayers! I know you’ll do great, Chad!!
As most of you know, I have been a diabetic for quite awhile. Not always a good diabetic but a diabetic none the less. As some of you know I have had a few problems in the past few months. It has been decided that the best route to go is a transplant. Hopefully I will be able to get a kidney and a pancreas at the same time.
February 11, 2007
Quote of the Week
“I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.”
– Thomas Jefferson, 3rd US president
Joke of the Week
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line, Just one guy in front of me . . . An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated . .
He asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian guy says, “Fluc you white people, too.”
Nice Email of the Week
Many of you will remember my email from a couple of weeks ago from Will Bowen and his ministry’s mission to create a complaint free world.
Here’s an update from Will:
February 4, 2007
Quote of the Week
“At first our dreams seem impossible, then they seem improbable, but when we summon the will, they become inevitable.”
– Christopher Reeve, actor
Joke of the Week
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” replied his mother.
Crazy Email Archives