Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Jul06

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

July 30, 2006

Rainy Lake Northern - 54 inches, 44 pounds
Wow! Look at that giant woodpecker!!
The Best Toilet In The Whole Wide World!
Heyyyy....wrong guy!
I hate when I have to use one of these bathrooms where you have to go by size!
Glad there's no category for Shortarmguy!
You don't see this very often!
Honey! I think we pissed off the chimney sweep again!
I love this one!

Joke Of The Week

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
 They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
 It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
 Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


Nice Email Of The Week

Shortarmguy! So, tell me, which arm is short (hope its’ not “one” that counts),   Hey I JUST came across your website and getting a KICK out of it!  How long have you had the site and where do you get such good clips?   If I have any good stuff can I submit to you to load?  Can I link to  your web page on  my SimCity site (    Its not a gamers online site, just a hobby site where I can load pics of certain cities and buildings I’ve designed that others use in their games… I use the game as a CAD tool, not just a hobby.
Anyway big guy, I  hope you are still around and hope you do let me place your link on my site!


July 23, 2006

Apparently this little fawn stumbled across these horses and confused them with it's mother.
At least I think that's a better ending than the horse accidentally stepped on the deer and crushed it.
The Best Toilet In The Whole Wide World!
Redneck Weiner Roaster
Wash the dang van!
Supposedly the fawn was reunited with it's mother when the horses left.
Glad there's no category for Shortarmguy!
Lufthansa 747-400 and a United 757-200 were on simultaneous approaches to runways 28L and 28R at San Francisco (SFO). The separation requirement for flying parallel and simultaneous approaches is 225 meters (about 750 feet). These two aircraft are at a safe distance for the approaches they are each flying. Due to the 747 being three times larger than the 757, and being slightly behind, it gives this incredible optical illusion.
Note to self. Wear pajamas to bed!
Rides to school have been so much more fun since the new driver started!
Apparently these mirrors are Wal-Mart's Best Seller!
The dog has just been so happy since we started our new Friday night ritual.

Nice Email Of The Week

yo, short arm guy!


you’re a badass. period.

just wanted to let you know I linked you to a thread on 
PEREZHILTON.COM that has received over 150,000 hits since late night 
Monday. you are FEATURED on page #6 I believe. A few times actually. 
I would expect your myspace and youtube accounts to have a few new 
visitors in the next few days.

I LOVE YOUR SITE and I think you’re cool.

let me know what you think!



This comment was left on the Shortarmguy MySpace Page:

Hi Todd!

Came across you this morning Googling some random thing like “tan” and got the picture of the leatherette Grandma!

Man, I wouldn’t even want a handbag made out of that!

Quite frankly your website and your story of your family and the immense bravery of Avery and Lukie moved me.

What extraordinary, strong and amazing people you are. Your message has definitely hit home here with me, consider me a Shortarmguy Fan!

Much love to you and your family from across the pond.

Steph x

Joke Of The Week

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says the cowboy.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows……..
Now give me back my dog.”



July 16, 2006


Ummmmm.....suddenly I don't feel like having hot dogs.
What's Troubling Our Nation's Homeless?
I think these construction workers have been out in the heat just a bit too long...
Wow...I wonder if my health insurance is going to cover this!
Ummmmm.....suddenly I don't feel like having any milk.
Gas is just getting too expensive!
Boy have you come to the right place!
Well, we thought these stores would go good together. Bad call.
Uhhhhh, may want to endorse a different product!

Nice Email Of The Week

I just happened to come across your site by accident.

(I was actually googling “boobs” looking for gag-boob pics to post on my friend’s forum, ’cause they were being silly guys, go figure!)

Anyway, I was born with severe scoliosis, as well as another condition that caused my body to be underdeveloped on the left side. I have four fingers on my left hand and underwent the same surgery you did having the index finger turned into a thumb, as well as a slew of other surgeries, including having my entire spine fused when I was seven, so my body is shorter than what would seem normal when compared to my arms and legs.

Anyway, I wish I could have the same sense of humor you do, I just hurt so much over it. I just wanted to say “hey” and “I know how you feel.” Your website made me smile. 🙂

Name Withheld By Request


Hey, Todd,

That big bird on your website is a Blue Heron.  We have a pair that frequent our backyard looking for sun fish along the shore.  Let me tell ya, they leave the BIGGEST mess if you know what I mean.  But, they have a huge wingspan and are awesome to watch fly.  Here’s a wiki link:

 Take care,

 Ron S


Joke Of The Week

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

“Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yes, I do,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.”

“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

July 9, 2006


I hope you kids found a good way to entertain yourselves while mommy was on the phone.....oh......
Honest Advertising
Incredible Images
Wasn't it just a couple of weeks ago that Britney was crying on TV how she didn't want so many invasions into her private life? This seems like a good way to combat that kind of a problem!

Joke Of The Week

Dear Abby,

After I retired, I could really spend some time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. 

Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. 

A few weeks ago we had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested. Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore!!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks, A fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught!



Uhhhhh, may want to endorse a different product!

July 2, 2006



Why Dogs Attack Their Owners
The secret ingredient powering Intel's Upcoming High Power CPU
I'd be scared to death fishing for these things!
New Poster Hanging At The Border
No, I don't think his jeans are too tight. Why do you ask?

Joke Of The Week

The Confessional

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man aid, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.”

“It’s worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.”

The priest said, “By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  But I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Crazy Email Archives