On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
March 25, 2007
Quote of the Week
“You just don’t luck into things as much as you’d like to think you do. You build step by step, whether it’s friendships or opportunities.”
– Barbara Bush, first lady
Joke of the Week
An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
– a Bible,
– a silver dollar
– a bottle of whisky
– a Playboy magazine
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.
If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me…. what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’, no good bum.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered, “he’s gonna be a Congressman!”
Nice Emails of the Week
I made these pictures for the local pub, hope you like them,
keep up the good work.
Mike
PS That’s Guinness on Mona Lisa’s upper lip or else we’d have to change her name to Monica Lowisa.
Todd, I am headed on a trip to San Juan Puerto Rico for a few days. The company that I work for is having meetings at the Westin Del Mar Resort. A few of us in the company have a reputation of drinking more than our share of beer on these trips. This image is proof that the resort is preparing for our arrival. That is good news for us!!!!
Cheers, JB
Shartarmdude. We here in Toronto have enjoyed your site for several years and thought you might get a kick out of this. Please be advised it is NSFW, and may have serious effects on your perspective, not to mention your eyes.
Thanks for the laughs, hope this repays the favour.
Jen, Van and the Cat Scan Gang
This video is a little too naughty for my site so I’m not going to post it here, but thanks for your kind words!!
Shortarmguy
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked.
“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans! Crazy people there. They have lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate.”
Jack replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“Me?” said Jack. “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
Quote of the Week
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”
– John Wayne, actor
Joke of the Week
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father,
“Daddy, what the heck was that?”
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied,
“It….it was only a bug, Honey.”
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
said….
“Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
Nice Emails of the Week
Congratulations to my friend, Will Bowen, and his Complaint Free World Movement! They’ve now had more than a million requests for their purple bracelets!! Will has been in contact with Oprah and there’s a good chance he’ll appear on her show at some point in the future! It’s such a great mission and it makes me so happy that it’s getting the attention it deserves!
My personal attempt at a complaint free life is not going so hot.
I do pretty good on the weekends, but for some reason going back to work in the crazy computer business brings out my angry side!
But I’ll keep trying…
History says . . ..
There supposedly were 3 men who walked on water…
The 1st one was Christ…
The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)…
And this guy ….
Quote of the Week
Stop hating the player and start hating the game!
— Bad Brad Nelson
Joke of the Week
You gotta love the Irish!!!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
Nice Emails of the Week
Absolutely flawless! Love the humor! Keep goin man, you make my day….David
Quote of the Week
You just don’t luck into things as much as you’d like to think you do. You build step by step, whether it’s friendships or opportunities.
– Barbara Bush, first lady
Joke of the Week
WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.”
With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son, John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card, that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Nice Emails of the Week
hi todd..!!
I’ve been visiting your site for about three years now and I would like to receive an e-mail from you right after you update it, so I can brag to my friends that I saw the updates first. We kind of have a race on who sees the latest and the winner chooses the best picture to be displayed as our computer’s screen saver. Thanks in advance, and more power..!!!
April Jane
Baguio City,Philippines
Todd, since you are raising boys, I think you are just the kind of guy who will understand this.
Not long ago, we had some snow and ice here in North Carolina. It was not much and the school was on a 2 hour delay. I was having breakfast with my kids and our 2 dogs. As the sun came up, it was reflecting off of the ice and made for a winter wonderland of scenic beauty. I gave my son my digital camera and told him to take the dogs and go out into the cold and take some nice pictures so we can show some of our friends what our back yard looked like. He was only out for a short time and only took one picture. Here it is in all of its winter glory.
JB
March 1, 2007
Quote of the Week
“I’ve always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come. I don’t do things half-heartedly.
Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results.”
– Michael Jordan, basketball player
Joke of the Week
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store n her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again in she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
“Okay, okay…How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”
“I promise I won’t.” she says.
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Nice Emails of the Week
From Will Bowen of A Complaint Free World.org
Make sure to watch for Will in the upcoming issue of People Magazine!
Hi, Todd.
I went to your web site, like I always do, and saw you wearing your purple No Complaint bracelet. That’s really cool!
I read your comments about how you think you’re not doing well at this. When I first started, I personally switched my own bracelet 20-30 times a day. Brian Lewis, the reporter for NBC who interviewed me last week, said that he slipped up “about 4 times in 8 days.” BUT, the producers at NBC were filming him ’round the clock to see if he slipped up. I’ll bet even you, Todd, would do much better with a camera watching you constantly. So, go easy on yourself.
I’m writing a book about this whole phenomenon (I sent off samples to an agent in NYC last week–fingers crossed) and I just finished a chapter about WHY this is so difficult to do. There are four stages we have to go through to become competent at anything:
- Unconscious Incompetence – you’re griping and complaining and you don’t even know you’re doing it. You are “UNconscious” as to our “incompetence”.
- Conscious Incompetence – you put on the purple bracelet and notice how much you complain. You become “conscious” of our “incompetence”. This is a shocking stage and, sadly I’ve found, about one-fourth of people quit during this stage.
- Conscious Competence – This stages separates the winners from the wannabes. You are becoming “competent” but you’re very “conscious” of it because you’re watching everything that comes out of your mouth. You actually begin to string together a few hours, days, or even weeks without complaining but you’re very, very conscious of what you’re saying. It can feel like work and this is where as many as one-half to two-thirds of the remaining people quit. BUT, this is also the stage where you begin to feel happier. With no place for your complaints to go (you’re not speaking them), your mind literally produces less of them and begins to look for happier things–and finds them.
- Unconscious Competence– You made it! You’re free! With no outlet for your negative thoughts (speaking them) your mind rarely creates them. Your mind becomes like Blind Cave Fish. Blind Cave Fish live in total darkness so, over time, their bodies simply stopped producing eyes. You live in a world where you don’t complain and your mind stops producing them.
- Hang in there, Todd. I look forward to sending you a “Certificate of Happiness” for making it 21 consecutive days Complaint Free. BTW, may I use the photo of your arm wearing your bracelet from your web site? We’ve got an e-newsletter we sent out and I’d love to tell the world about you.
Love and Blessings,
Will Bowen
Hi Shortarmguy,
I love your site. It is amazing. This is my first participation, I hope you like it. The attached image is for Paul Wolfowitz.
Pay special attention to the socks.
Best regards,
Sarah Saleh
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