Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Apr07

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

Apr 29, 2007

This doesn't sound like such a bad deal!
Photos Hidden in the Back of the Family Album

Quote of the Week

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

– Albert Einstein, physicist

Joke of the Week

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde sweetheart a surprise gift, so he decided to buy her a cell phone.

When he showed her the phone he explained to her all of its features.  She was so excited with the surprise, and simply adored her new phone.

The next day she went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was him on the line.

     “Hi Sweetheart,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

She replied, “I just love it!  It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that, sweetie?” he asked.

“How did you know I was at K-Mart ?”


Nice Emails of the Week

This email made me nervous after reading the first line!!


I am a murder squad detective in the UK and was drawn to your site whilst searching for some negotiating pictures to use on a colleagues retirement presentation. He is amongst other things a police negotiator!

I have just spent the last 45 minutes laughing at your site and I will be recommending it to friends for them to visit and share your sense of humour!

 I wonder if I could seek your permission to have a copy of your picture of Bush negotiating and offering Middle East leaders two pistols? I would love to put this into a PowerPoint presentation, but I need to have the presentation done by Monday next.

I look forward to hearing your response.

Kind regards

 Dave Copping

West Midlands Police

On last week’s update, I posted an email from someone who told me I “say completely inappropriate things” on my website and that they are sure that my two young boys and wife would be appalled to see what I have written here.

I had quite a few emails from people defending me and my response to this person.  Here’s a few of the excerpts:

Mr. Swank

I, too, wonder how your children will feel when they discover some of the things you have written on your web site.  I wish I could see the look of pride on their faces as they come to the understanding that your clever wit brings a smile to the faces of the many of us who make a point of visiting your site. When taken as intended the things you say are not only appropriate, but often inspiring and uplifting.  As for other males hitting on you, well, you are allowed to dream.  LOL   I know that you family is proud of you, and you know what, mine is too. You Mom and Dad read your site every week, and since I sent them a link to you, so do mine. As far as the prayer and religion thing goes, I have found it wonderful that you manage to have such a funny site and include many inspiring, and spiritually uplifting pieces, as well. Thanks for everything.

Not anonymous at all,


tell that anonymously Concerned Bible Banger to “GET A LIFE”! or get a good lay! lol… 

Ms July

Anyone who can and is judgmental and can’t sign their name to criticism
is not worth an answer but you did a GREAT job. He or she should lighten
Your boys will look at it later in life and say……..hey Dad, thanks
for the laughs and A LIFE’S LESSON.


Todd, I think your answer was wonderful.  You have a beautiful sense of humor and it radiates in your newsletter.  I grew up with a brother who has cerebral palsey and he learned to laugh at himself, too.  I grew up as a very obese child – and that was my handicap.   But everyone of us is given a talent and all we have to do is look within to find it and build our lives on it. 

One of my daughters is very tall and has a coordination problem in her walking due to birth problems.  When we moved to this little farming area she towered over everyone.  Her first day of school they nicknamed her MOOSE….and used the name with cruel intent.  She came home from school crying.   We sat down and had a “heart to heart” and I told her ””  Why not find out all you can about a moose and see what you think of that nickname, then.”  Well, she did a lot of research and a few days later she said “Mom — a moose is really beautiful.  And in its own way, it is very graceful.  And if God created that beautiful animal and He created me — I’m okay with it.”  (She was only 14 at the time — pretty deep thought, huh?)  Anyway, she took that nickname as being special — and went on to enjoy her high school years, becoming class president in her senior year — and in the church youth group she was elected Associate Regional Representative and got to travel all over the southeast giving talks  of encouragement and support to teens. 

Each of us must learn to cope with our shortcomings and make the most of the talents that God gave us….one gift is a sense of humor.  One of the things I told the people this a.m.  (and it is probably an old one you have heard many times) is that we are given a gift every day – a present that is to be unwrapped every morning.  What we choose to do with that “present – that gift” is up to us and how we use is going to affect everyone around us.  Our words, our thoughts, our actions create the world in which we live and we are right now the sum total of all that. 

You, very obviously, come from a loving family who gave you a strong foundation and I know your family is proud of you and of all your accomplishments. 

I have a feeling that this person is not very happy nor was he from a home filled with love, laughter and fun.  He (or she) has chosen to be judgmental, to look for the negative in all situations instead of the good, and, by his actions in word, thought and deed, is blocking the joy of life from coming to him.  Let’s keep him in prayer and hope he lets the Light shine through.  But it is his choice.

Keep spreading the joy, my friend.  Just remember — you are LOVED!


Hi there,

 Just to say as one parent to another, you are quite inspirational. I read every bit of your site while trawling for odd stuff to read as I have become slightly bored with the internet lately, came across your site after reading about “ILL  Mitch” the rapping Russian and then “Slo Mo” the rapping retard which I was a bit unsure about. Well back to the parent thing, I think the way you do things is great, been a bit down about things latley but seeing you with such a superb outlook and being positive when things can be difficult is just so inspiring, good for you mate 


Oh, and to the lady that was concerned about the content on your website…LIGHTEN UP!!!!  If you don’t make her laugh, then nothing will!!!!!



Shortarmguya will miss you, Sanjaya!
I finally fixed my computer...
Shortarmguy's Pet Bug
Mass in Wisconsin
Now this isn't confusing...

Quote of the Week

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
Mark Twain – Notebook, 1894

Joke of the Week

Drunken Confession

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, “No use knockin’, mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

Not so Nice Emails of the Week

Mr. Swank,

I wonder how your children will feel when they discover some of the things you have written on your website.  You say completely inappropriate things.  I am sure that numerous males have not made sexual advances.  And I am sure that your two young boys and wife may be apalled to see what you have written.  Does your mother know what you’ve written?  Your father?  You talk about prayer and being religious, yet try to exploit yourself online.  I just happened to look up Prior Lake on youtube, and that it where I discovered your website.

Just please think about what you say.  I would be very upset at my father for writing such things.  I will never be able to look at you, or your little arm, the same way again.

 Anonymously concerned.

My response:


Thanks for your feedback! 

My mom and dad read my site every week as do most of my friends. 

Also, my wife proof reads my site every time I update it.

Obviously much of what I write is tongue in cheek and is meant to be read by people with a sense of humor. 

From your email, I’m guessing we have very different perspectives on what is funny.

Since you want to remain anonymous, I have no frame of reference for your life experiences. 

In my life experience, I grew up differently than everyone else.  I figured out that by making fun of myself and other things in my life, it allowed me to fit in better with people. 

My site has thousands of visitors weekly and I receive emails all the time from people all over the planet  who tell me they are inspired by my website and that they appreciate a person who doesn’t take life so seriously.

If you’d like to discuss this further, I’d prefer that you tell me who you are and specifically what parts of my site you find so particularly offensive.

I’ll pray for you and hope that you re-evaluate your opinion of me and what I’m trying to accomplish with my web site.

Take care!

Dare To Be Different!


Looking Good, Grandma!
I finally fixed my computer...
Funny Ads!
The dog's worst nightmare
Now this isn't confusing...

Quote of the Week

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”

– Mark Twain, writer

Joke of the Week

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,

“Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile,

“Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto  the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration :



Nice Emails of the Week

I think you are AWESOME!! I visit your website on a daily basis……I have also converted MANY others into shortarmguy fans!! Keep up the great work….and no more squirrelapault videos….=)

—Alison on MySpace

Hi Todd,  A friend sent this website to me and it has some wonderful words of wisdom in it.  Thought you might enjoy it and maybe can “glean” a few for your readers and family.  Some I know you have heard before but there were a couple of ones I had not heard in a long time and had forgotten.  It’s good to have your memory jogged once in a while.  shirley

I know you will enjoy this page as much as I did.


Crazy Emails For April 8, 2007

OK….Easter’s Over!

Barak Obama is really pulling out all stops in his campaign for president!
I finally fixed my computer...
But don't worry, Hillary's right behind him!
This guy isn't real popular on The View
While McCain is leaning on Bush to give him support...
And Nancy Pelosi is staying busy focusing on the bigger issues.
Now that's a wave!!
Why elks have such long horns!

Quote of the Week

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
– E. M. Forster, writer


Joke of the Week

Saving the Easter Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.” 

Nice Emails of the Week


 I found your site about three years ago thru a Google search. Since that time I have visited almost every week and am amazed that you have content that I, a huge surfer, have never seen. And it is because of this I send your link to my friends and co-workers.  Here in lies the problem…

I was talking to a female co-worker about the “Rabbit & Snake” clip. I told her your web address and the following exchange ensued.

HER: Why do they call it Short Arm Guy?

ME: The guy who runs it has a birth defect that affects his arms and hands.

HER: That’s disgusting! How DARE they exploit the handicapped! (Yes she said exploit)

ME: Do you mean “crippled”? (Having some fun with her)

HER: I don’t use that word. People shouldn’t make fun of the disabled.

ME: Well, it’s HIS site. No one makes him do it.

HER: He must have to pay his bills.

ME: He seems to have a good job in computers. He does this for fun.

HER: I don’t believe that.

ME: It’s true. Go to his site. He seems like a cool guy who has taken what has happened and made a life better than most.

HER: I won’t do that. He should be shut down.

ME: Shut down? What for?

Here’s where she became angry, told me to f off and called me a redneck.

I’m thinking of buying her an “exploit a cripple” t-shirt.

Your Burnsville neighbor, Alan Daley


Thanks for standing up for me, Alan!


Hi Rob from western NY here.  I really enjoy your site and I thought you might like this video to add on your site.

Best of luck to you and yours!!   


Email I received that caused me to remove the Squirrelapault Video:

Hello, I have been on your mailing list for several years now and I’ve always enjoyed all of your weekly videos until today…………….. I’m very disappointed that you would even consider posting a video about someone purposely injuring an animal as shown in the Squirrelapault Video.  There are enough crazies out there………..I see no need in posting or condoning cruelty to animals in any way, shape or form……… jest or not.


Thank you for listening and I hope this will be the only cruelty to any animals video you post on your website.




Of course, by removing the video, I received feedback stating the case for why I shouldn’t have removed it.  It’s tough to maintain a website!

C’mon Todd!!!  Don’t give in to those whiny ass tree-hugging liberals.  Squirrels are quite agile and I am sure they land on their feet just like a cat.  That video is hilarious and I plan to rig one up myself this summer as they drive my Jack Asshole Terrier crazy.  One week last fall he broke four collars and one cable trying to get to the squirrels that were burying things around the yard.


In the mean time, my co-worker, Mike, wanted to make sure everyone saw this video showing what happens to a squirrel who’s had too much to drink:

Happy Easter!!!
Don't piss off a guy with a back hoe!
Proof Men Need Wives
What to wear when the wife has chores for you
Truth in Advertising

Quote of the Week

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

        Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance….


Joke of the Week


A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.  

While he was sitting at the bar watching TV, one of Hillary’s political ads came on.

After it was over he stood up and announced to everyone,

“Hillary is a horse’s ass!”

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender,

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was Hillary country.”

“It’s not!”, replied the bartender.

“This is horse country!”



Nice Emails of the Week

Hey short arm guy (also known as Todd Swank)!!  I love your site!!!  I am Dr. Bolligs little sister (I think that I was the oops of the family)!!  I have met you a couple times at my brothers business and you are awesome!!  I check your site every week and love to catch a glance of Dave and Cynthia every once in awhile!!  You have a fan base here in good old Omaha!  My name is Jennifer and Dave and the family call me J-fer!!  I have also gotten my boyfriend Travis to love your site as well!!  Neither one of us have any cool disabilities but I do have 3 kidneys and Travis can tell a few good jokes (neither one of us were really blessed with anything cool)!!!!  Your family is so beautiful and I feel bad that you let one of your sons fall in the icy cold water!!  Anyways keep up the good work!!  I’m sorry you work for my brother (opie taylor)!!  Ill send you a picture of Travis and I—-feel free to post it on your site!!  We can feel famous for a minute!!!  We hope to be married in a year or so—–We are the cutest couple ever!!!  The picture will come under a different email address…..Take care and keep all of your fans laughing!!!

                                          Your fan for life!!!!,
                                                    Jennifer (brother of Dr. David)!


Hey Todd, you need to get your Intel commercial on TV, it’s great!


I must point this out because I got absolutely no sleep last night because of your recent update [March 25, 2007]….

 First of all, you post this photo of Sheri and a bag of poop.

Then we scroll down a few photos to the photo of you and Byron Hay….what do you happen to be holding in your hand but the very bag of dog crap that Sheri so elegantly picked up. That bag of crap made its way from Minnesota all the way to California! I’m not sure how or why they let you take that on the plane. Was it your carry on baggage or did you check it in at the front desk? Did they call you aside for a ‘random’ carry on luggage search? I can only imagine the horrid look on their face. This is very disturbing and perhaps it’s time for a vacation or a call to the guys in the white van.

I can’t believe you tried to pull a fast one over on your fan base like this. Thanks to my keen eye, I had to point this out for all too see.

Yours truly,

 Steve Cuds

ShortArmGuy stalker


Crazy Email Archives