Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails May04

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits!

Warning! Adult Material Below!

May 30, 2004

Shortarmguy was at the NBA Western Semi-conference Finals Game 7 Between The Minnesota Timberwolves and Sacramento Kings.

Nice Email Of The Week

Hey, i just want to tell you that your site is one of the funniest and coolest sit i have found. i live in ga and go to a college called ATC athens technical college and i spend so much time on the computer here. i just want to let you know half the time i am on the computer i am looking at your site. i just thought i would send you this pic that i found..i dont know if u have it already but it wont hurt to try. its a messed up pic..thats all i know. but it was nice writing you. hope to here back from you.
Michael bass  –Winder, GA

Safety First

My penis is this big……and it’s Bush’s Fault!

There’s no way I’m sitting on that seat…

Uhhhhh, sorry man…..I’m all out of soup.

Clean Living!

Every week, I find new conversations on the internet about  Many people think I’m a freak, some think I’m inspirational, but most just like to make fun of me.  I found this comment and photo about me at a place called  I thought it was pretty damn funny:

His hand would totally fit in that thing at the end of Total Recall

May 22, 2004

How Viruses Multiply In Your Computer…

Gimme Some Lunch!!!

How To Know If You Might Have A Drinking Problem…

Sounds like a Friendly Street…

Doesn’t Sound Like A Friendly Street…

The Correct Way To Fail A Chemistry Exam

May 15, 2004

Prison Bakery

Some People Just Don’t Ever Listen!

Google Of The Future

For Those Who Hate Sleeping Alone…The Hug Pillow!

Talk about having a bitch of a commute!

Hmmmmm!  Smells like bear, but tastes like chicken!

Warning!! Potentially disturbing cat image!!  See disclaimer below!!

Disclaimer:  The above cat is real!!!  His owner just likes to tell all of his friends that he shaves his pussy.

It’s very immature, I know.

Nice Email Of The Week

Dear Shortarmguy,

My name is Sian Matthews, I’m a seventeen year old student from Pembrokeshire in West Wales. I’d just like to tell you that your site is amazing! It cracks me and my fellow student up. If one person in the common room starts looking at it, the entire place grinds to an instant stop and crowds around the one computer.

Your site is responsible for hours and hours of wild amusement, and even more hours of distraction from our studies! All I know is that right now I should be revising for my exams, but I’m not! There are about sixty Sixth-Form students, and not a week goes by without someone looking at what’s new at!

Thanks so much for all the laughter and light that you’ve injected into my stressed student life! Your site kicks ASS.

(The only thing that made me cringe really badly was the chicken-playing horse through that car’s windscreen, because you guessed it, I am the typical horse-obsessed teen. Was it real?!)

Diolch yn fawr iawn!

(That’s Welsh for Thank you very much)
Sian Matthews. XX

May 9, 2004

Warning!! Potentially disturbing cat image!!  See disclaimer below!!

Disclaimer:  The Tabby Tote which is pictured above is not a real product!!          

Warning!! Potentially disturbing cat image!!  See disclaimer below!!

   Disclaimer:  The above cat is real!!!  His owner just likes to poop directly above his head.  He then gets to tell all of his friends that he has one smelly pussy.

It’s very immature, I know.

Warning!! Potentially disturbing cat image!!  See disclaimer below!!

Disclaimer:  God does not kill kittens every time you masturbate.  

He only wounds them.

Mona Lisa Jackson

I hate peeing in the woods!  I always feel like someone is watching me!!!!!

Another Shortarmguy Original!  Brian from St. Louis snapped this photo.  

He says his neighbor just started a new business eradicating yeast infections or something like that.

‘m sure many of you remember Heidi.  

She was the girl who sent me a picture of her boobs a year ago.

The original page is here:
Heidi has become pretty famous.  If you go to Google and select an image search, then type in the word ‘Boobs’, her picture comes up off my site on one of the first 3 pages…
Her picture has been viewed over 40,000 times in just the past two months alone!!
Recently we traded emails again and I told her how famous she’s become.  This seemed to make her very happy.  So happy that she insisted on sending me an updated picture since she now has her nipples pierced.
This is what she sent.  I really love the internet.

May 2, 2004

Why You Should Never Date a Female Pilot!

When Sex Lasts Too Long!

She must be talking about her tattoos!!

Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits……… See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching. 

Why is HONEY golden in color?  

A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
Because it’s manufactured that way?
D) I don’t know.

The answer may be found below.

Shortarmguy received the following press release from a Canadian Shortarmguy fan named Scott

I come from a city of about 200,000 and a province of less than 1,000,000 but yet we still manage to have a professional football team. is in competition with “Corner Gas” ( A Canadian TV sitcom based around a Gas Station in Saskatchewan, for possible naming rights to “The Ravens” the biggest small time team in touch football.

Our team has it’s own “unique” Motor Home, a Seven foot tall inflatable Ravens player mascot, with a website and much, much more coming soon!  I’ve got all the guys on my team checking out your website, and everybody loves it!!

Shortarmguy May Receive Naming Rights For Football Team

Regina, Sk. – may receive naming rights to “The Ravens” of the RTFI.  Undisclosed sources have indicated that is on a short list with Corner Gas ( for possible naming rights to “The Ravens”.  A source close to the team indicated that if Shortarmguy were successful the team would assume the name “The Ravens”.

The source indicated that Shortarmguy is in tough against CTV’s Corner Gas, who is proposing developing an episode around a football theme which would involve a cameo by the “Dog River Ravens” (sponsored by Corner Gas) as the team would then become known.

The competition is heating up for the naming rights to the RTFI Ravens, the biggest small time team in touch football history.

Nice Email Of The Week

I had a roar at your site, particularly reading your story.  And its ironic that I found your site through a Google image search for “boobs”.  I was looking for goofy cartoon images of boobs for a message-board thread, I guess you’d have to be there to understand.  Anyhow, that girl Heidi’s boobs showed up and lured me over to your site to see them full size.

Although my only handicap is the fact that God forgot to install the filter between my brain and my mouth, I did go to a rather unique school.  Cincinnati’s Roselawn-Condon school was the first school in Ohio (and maybe the US) to bring together handicapped and mainstream elementary school kids.

I was in the inaugural class after they merged, it was pretty cool, brand new building and brand new kids.  The only bad thing was “The Wall”, it was a partition in the lunch room behind which they had all the kids whose “eating habits” would gross out most of us.  

Incidentally, my first girlfriend was a girl who had spina bifida and was confined to a wheelchair.
I lost contact with her after a playground incident resulted in her chair tipping over.  We were playing “horses and chariots”, and you can guess who the horse was.  I took a turn too fast and over she went.  Her mom was so over-protective that she forbade me to ever see her again even though the
only harm done was a jammed pinky.

Anyhow, great site, and keep up the good work.  And hey, give mine a whirl,  I’ve got some great jokes on there.  🙂  And good luck on those juggling lessons.  😉  I’ve got all ten and I STILL can’t juggle well.

Crazy Email Archives