Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Apr01

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

April 22, 2001 Emails

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called “rodeo”. 

His friend said, “No, what is it?”

“Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, “Boy these are almost as nice as your sister’s.”

Then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds.”

April 15, 2001 Emails

My kind of church!
My wife never looked at me the same way again after we went rock climbing.

April 7, 2001 Emails

~~~~Austin Powers Pick-Up Lines~~~~

 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)…. Let’s get you out of these wet  clothes.
 3. Nice legs…what time do they open?
 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
 5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
 8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?
 9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
 10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
 11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
 12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
 13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
 14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven
 15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
 16. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
 17. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
 18. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
 19. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
 20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
 21. F@# me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
 22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
 23. My name is Austin … remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
 24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
 25. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
 26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.”
 27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
 28. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
 29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
 30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
 31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don’t you like pizza?
 32. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.
 33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no………. Can I???
 34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
 35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.




You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s ass.
In your last trip to “pee” you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
You start crying.
There are less than three hours before you’re due to start work.
You’ve found a deeper side to the office nerd.
The man you’re flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
You’ve forgotten where you live.
You’ve started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because (as you’ve mentioned like 10x’s by now) you only smoke when you drink.
You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.
Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
You’re tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

April 1, 2001 Emails

I don't know why Grandpa always gets laid more than I do...
I think I need to quit being so honest during my job search...

Quote of the day:

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? 

There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

–Drew Carey

Baby Jesse

Crazy Email Archives