On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
January 28, 2007
Quote of the Week
“In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future.”
– Eric Hoffer, philosopher
Joke of the Week
We Minnesota Vikings fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Chicago fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious orange & black “C” on their coats. We would swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking.
I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going Father?”
“I’m going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 4 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“Climb in, Father! I’ll give you a lift!”
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Bears fan with his “C” coat, walking down the road.
I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud “THUD.”
Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but didn’t see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Chicago fan.”
“That’s OK,” replied the priest, “I got him with the door.”
Nice Email of the Week
Just a note to let you know that I am now receiving your newsletter —- again! Have a new computer and it is letting mail through. I did pull up the other on shortarmguy.com and it worked for me but I like getting your letter regularly.
January 21, 2007
Quote of the Week
“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin, actress
Joke of the Week
Nice Email of the Week
January 14, 2007
Quote of the Week
Some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker: Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel…get this.
“That’s all the bullets we had.”
Joke of the Week
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
“Tarzan not know sex” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said “Oh,….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified Jane said, ” Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said, pointing to her privates, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed “What did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
Nice Emails of the Week
i love that your doing stand up comedy to reach out to everyone about people with physical handicaps
i think what your doing is really cool, people with physical handicaps are no different than any one else. I’ve got a friend, mike, who is in a wheelchair, i don’t know why, (I think it has to do with his spine) it never really mattered to me. I’ve never asked him about it because it never bothered me. he’s a funny guy and wants to be a rapper. i think he can do it. we are in high school and people look at him and assume that just because he cant walk without the help of a walker that he’s different or with the lack of a better word, “mentally challenged” and he’s not, he learns at the same pace as everyone else. He has an aide who helps him around but wants to do everything for him leaving him no freedom. he’s a normal teenage guy who likes girls, TV (his favorite cartoon is south park), video games, music, and has dreams of being somebody. He was “just born that way”. Anyway I think its great that your educating people about handicaps. please write me back!
Hello,
I found your site while looking up stuff on Mark Madsen. By the way, I love the picture of him and your son – too cute!
Anyway, I laughed my tush off looking at all of your funny links. Oh my goodness – they are great. I just sent your page to a bunch of my friends.
Keep up the funny work – I just bookmarked your site. It is great!
Chris
Hi,
I love your website and get back to it as often as I can. Unfortunately I tend to neglect my kids once I start, and annoy my husband telling to come and look all the time, but it’s great to be able to go to a site I know I’ll get a laugh! Thanks!!!
Meg, Sydney, Australia.
January 7, 2007
Joke of the Week
Mildred and Chester
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Mildred’s mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years
However, Mildred was very apprehensive. As she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell
Chester that they could not “do it.”
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he sends her
off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother’s. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,
“Chester , I have acute angina.”
Chester says, “I hope so, ’cause you’ve sure got ugly boobs.”
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