Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Jan07

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

January 28, 2007

Let's make fish faces with one another!
Why Johnny is no longer allowed to join the class in making funny faces for the camera...
Why Uncle Doug is no longer allowed to baby-sit...
Not sure why they need the bike helmets...
Time to give it up, Ted.
Sup Dog?

Quote of the Week

“In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future.”

– Eric Hoffer, philosopher

Joke of the Week


We Minnesota Vikings fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Chicago fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious orange & black “C” on their coats. We would swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking.

I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going Father?”

“I’m going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 4 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in, Father! I’ll give you a lift!”

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Bears fan with his “C” coat, walking down the road.

I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud “THUD.”

Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but didn’t see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Chicago fan.”

“That’s OK,” replied the priest, “I got him with the door.”

Nice Email of the Week

Hi Todd, 

Just a note to let you know that I am now receiving your newsletter —- again!  Have a new computer and it is letting mail through.  I did pull up the other on and it worked for me but I like getting your letter regularly.

That letter from the minister re the “quit complaining” is GREAT!  As a minister myself, I know the power of positive thinking vs. negative thoughts and have always used positive attitudes as a great sermon topic.  (I’m retired but still do weddings and funerals when called upon.)  My ministry ordination is with the Church of Divine Metaphysics (California based) but I am also a licensed Unity teacher (Unity is headquartered in Missouri — they publish The Daily Word and been around over 100 years) (trained to teach potential ministers)  Both of these are spiritual movements that focus on the positive wonderful gifts that have been given freely to us.  (I feel that if ministers would quit yakking about how the “devil is going to get you” and concentrate more on what good you can accomplish through God, we would have a lot more people in church and a lot happier world to live in!) 
Okay, I have sermonized enough.  Just want to thank you again for your good works and your “uplifting countenance”. 
Blessings to you and your family,  Shirley


January 21, 2007


This moment marks the beginning of the Bears Downfall...
Even Lovie and Urlacher have to agree...
Safety First! Air Conditioner Installation
Classic Aircraft Repair Effort
I'm quite sure that this factory is staying within environmental guidelines.
Why Grandma shouldn't wear a thong...
Saddam's Cat
Proper Scaffold Balancing!
Why it's important not to pass out from drinking...
Ever wonder what's really under a turtle's shell?

Quote of the Week

“The road to success is always under construction.”

– Lily Tomlin, actress

Joke of the Week

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear.”

Nice Email of the Week

Hi, Todd.
I’ve emailed you a couple of times over the years.  I really enjoy your web site.  I’m a minister and find your humor enjoyable (we all have a dark/fun side and I resonate with what you present).  In addition to your web site, I also really enjoy your spirit.  You seem like a really good guy and I like your positive spin on things.
To that end, I wanted to share something with you that you might pass along should you wish to pass along.  Back in July, I encouraged our church members to eradicate complaining, criticizing and gossiping from their lives.  When you complain, you attract more of what you don’t want. If you focus on what you want, you’ll attract that into your life. 
Our church is small–about 200 a Sunday.  To help them get the lesson, we gave everyone a purple wrist band/bracelet to wear.  Scientists say it takes 21 days to form a new habit so they were invited to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping. They were encouraged to wear the bracelet and and, when they caught themselves complaining (we all do it), then to switch the bracelet to their other wrist and begin again.  It’s tough, but people who have made it say that it has change their lives forever.
The Kansas City Star wrote a story about this and it was picked up by 64 papers around the world (including Stars and Stripes!).  We’ve now sent out nearly 60,000 “Complaint-Free Bracelets” to every state in the US as well as to Australia, South Africa, Germany, Ireland and Belgium and Canada. 
Tomorrow, a reporter from the LA Times is flying in to do a story about The Complaint Free movement for the national edition of their paper.  You can check out our web site: to get more information.
Share this with your readers if you’d like. 
Thanks, Todd.  You’re great.
Love and Blessings,
Will Bowen


January 14, 2007


They say an all black deer is even more rare than an albino deer. This lady also says they're really good eatin'
What really smart guys do to mess with their cell phone company
It must be fun to have the office he's looking into.
Tough Landlord
Probably don't want to get caught building this snow creature.
I still gotta get me one of these...
That is one scary looking kitty!
Tough Gas Station
This one looks like it might be a record!
I guess he should have went to "Here" first!

Quote of the Week

Some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing” the deputy  who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.  Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A statewide manhunt ensued.  The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.  SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.

Now here’s the kicker:  Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel…get this.

“That’s all the bullets we had.”

Joke of the Week

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him  how he had sex ?

“Tarzan not know sex” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said “Oh,….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified Jane said, ” Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

 She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said, pointing to her privates, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed “What did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

Nice Emails of the Week

i love that your doing stand up comedy to reach out to everyone about people with physical handicaps

i think what your doing is really cool, people with physical handicaps are no different than any one else. I’ve got a friend, mike, who is in a wheelchair, i don’t know why, (I think it has to do with his spine) it never really mattered to me. I’ve never asked him about it because it never bothered  me. he’s a funny guy and wants to be a rapper. i think he can do it. we are in high school and people look at him and assume that just because he cant walk without the help of a walker that he’s different or with the lack of a better word,  “mentally challenged” and he’s not, he learns at the same pace as everyone else. He has an aide who helps him around but wants to do everything for him leaving him no freedom. he’s a normal teenage guy who likes girls, TV (his favorite cartoon is south park), video games, music, and has dreams of being somebody. He was “just born that way”. Anyway I think its great that your educating people about handicaps. please write me back!


I found your site while looking up stuff on Mark Madsen.  By the way, I love the picture of him and your son – too cute!

 Anyway, I laughed my tush off looking at all of your funny links. Oh my goodness – they are great.  I just sent your page to a bunch of my friends.

Keep up the funny work – I just bookmarked your site. It is great!



I love your website and get back to it as often as I can. Unfortunately I tend to neglect my kids once I start, and annoy my husband telling to come and look all the time, but it’s great to be able to go to a site I know I’ll get a laugh! Thanks!!!

Meg, Sydney, Australia.

January 7, 2007


They say an all black deer is even more rare than an albino deer. This lady also says they're really good eatin'
Snorkeling in Minnesota just isn't that much fun...
Kitty's attempt at a new career in Doggy Dentistry just didn't last that long.
Tough Landlord
Bill loves boating!
Oh my gosh!
For some reason, most of the guys didn't drink much at the New Year's Party
And then Ronald just lost it...
Cats love showers!
How to know if you're in a bad hospital!

Joke of the Week

Mildred and Chester

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.

They had to wait for Mildred’s mother to pass away first.  Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

  Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night,  having waited so patiently all these years

However, Mildred was very apprehensive. As she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell

Chester that they could not “do it.”

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he sends her
off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother’s. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,

“Chester , I have acute angina.”

Chester says, “I hope so, ’cause you’ve sure got ugly boobs.”

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