Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Mar04

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits!

Warning! Adult Material Below!

March 27, 2004

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

People wonder why the jobs

in this country have disappeared.

For example…what’s happened 

to all the textile mills???

Well, this might have something

to do with it……

Thank God March Madness Is Here!!!

Microsoft Word For Rappers

Michael and Martha will soon be together at last!

These Next Photos Came From Dr. Bollig.  They’re from one of his neighbors at the cabin.

A client of mine, while snowmobiling near his home in mid-December, discovered an Eagles nest with a “ball of fur” sticking out of it.  After closer inspection he saw that it was some sort of mammal.   He climbed the tree and discovered a bear hibernating in the eagles nest.  

I found out the location of this bear (finally).  4 friends and myself went to the site after work last night.   One of the guys climbed the adjacent tree with climbing gear and took the photos of the bear.  He was about 12 feet away, at eye level.

The bear moves around if you hit the base of the tree with a stick (I volunteered for that job)

The DNR has seen this and are amazed.


Courtney Love Is Going Nuts!  She’s Showing Her Boobs To Everyone!

Is it strange that men never get tired of seeing a woman expose herself?

No matter how often this kind of stuff happens, we still pay attention to it.

It’s constantly in the news as if a life shattering event has just occurred.

God Bless America. 

Great T-Shirts I’d really like to see in person!!

This next one is from a new Shortarmguy Fan named Sojan, who is an Indian working in Dubai as a Graphic Designer.

Nice Email Of The Week

Dear Shorarmguy,

Dude, you are my hero. Every time I visit your site, I sit there and laugh for a long time. I found your site through the little google search for boobs (yeah I’m a perv) and I visit every day.  I’ve told all my friends about the site, and they all enjoy it. Thank you so much for putting a little humor into everyday things. I really respect you for being able to let yourself be seen and not be embarrassed by your physical limitations. Your sense of humor makes up for it though.  Oh yeah and please put more Michael Jackson stuff  because that is just hilarious!!!  Thank you for being cool and funny.

Your fan and friend,


Funniest Email Of The Week

To: Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth’s Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in
recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you
are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff
at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I
would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I
would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital,
you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?


George W. Bush

March 20, 2004

The Martians have learned the proper way to greet their visitors from the United States!

An actual letter hanging in an elementary school…

Janet Jackson’s career is going in the tank. This is her in 5 years…


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, 

“Oh, Shit!”

Only the states of Texas, Arkansas and Mississippi were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: 

“Hold my beer and watch this!”

Hey, lady! Careful! You’re smooshing Roo!

Thank you, young man. Thank you.

Honey, I’m going out for a stroll….

He’s got the whole world in his hands!

Nice Email Of The Week

Hey shortarmguy,
Let me tell you something, dude I am right now in Caracas, Venezuela and I just discovered your site. It is fucking awesome. You can now say that you have one more fan outside the US. I believe that you are really smart and special. Keep the good work up.
 By the way I attached some pictures you might like for the page.
Jose S
Caracas, Venezuela.

Funniest Email Of The Week

Hey, Shortarmguy!!

I read your comments last week about the movie, Passion of The Christ, and thought I’d share my experience with you when seeing the film.

Saw Passion yesterday and left the theater speechless. I liked the fact that Gibson took the more historical route than getting preachy (especially at the very end). A real faith affirming movie, but brutal, brutal violence.

Of course, there has to be some hunyucks in the crowd who think that they’re home watching the movie on TV and are “unaware” that they are in a PUBLIC F###ING THEATRE!! 15 minutes into the film this fat woman with a big
backpack sits next to me. Why the backpack? Of course, it’s full of candy and shit that she can fill her greasy pie-hole with ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE!!  Then, because her life is far too important to turn her f####ing cell phone off for two hours, she pulls it out of her backpack with about 10 minutes of the film left and starts pushing a bunch of buttons and lights up the theater with the bright blue light on her phone. At this point, it would’ve been justified for even Jesus to come down off the cross and force feed this pig her phone. Feeling Jesus had been through enough for the past two hours I took it upon myself (as did the woman sitting two seats to the left) to tell her to put the phone away NOW. She looked at us like a child looks after they’ve just been scolded for spilling their milk and darted out with her backpack as soon as the credits rolled.

I swear they should have a pre-approval process for moviegoers where you can’t bring in any items from the outside and allow you to check your cell phone before you go in. Sounds extreme, but I realize more every day that the world is full of blithering idiots who may be of adult age, but who are one gene away from not having the ability to walk erect. It’s getting to the point where I can’t even see a film in public because of the potential “moron factor”. Netflix, baby!!

Love your site!!


Press Of The Week

Shortarmguy’s alter ego, Todd Swank, was written about in this week’s Var Business

The Other 23 Days.  Scores of Alternative Uses for Feminine Hygiene Products by Karen Laven

This book is hilarious!  Everyone should own it!  Click here to make that happen!!

March 14, 2004

For some reason, Grandpa lost his job as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

Uhhh, honey. I’d like you to start seeing a different doctor.

Another children’s story you don’t want to read to your kids.

Arkansas Lottery Winner

Everything’s Bigger In Texas

3 Headed Frog Discovered!  But does it have normal sized arms?

All right, last week was supposed to be the last Super Bowl boob flash picture, but they just keep coming to me!

Next year’s commercial for Duct Tape

Nice Email Of The Week

Dear Shortarmguy,

Wow! I just found your website today, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen online in years. You’ve managed to create something that is LOL funny and very entertaining, but that, at the same time, is inspirational and thought-provoking. I know I’m only repeating what thousands of others are saying, but thank you: you’ve brightened up the WWW considerably!

All the best,


March 6, 2004

Crazed Shortarmguy Fan Steve “Cuds” Cuddihy is up to his old tricks. After watching this season’s American Idol and falling in love with William Hung, Mr Cuddihy combined his passions into this picture. I would like to tell you exactly what he does with the photo, but I’m trying to keep this site’s R Rating and it would just push me over the edge.

I swore I’d posted my last Super Bowl boob flash picture, but this one is just too good!

The cheese-heads have taken their adoration of Brett Favre just a bit too far!

Best reason yet to learn English.

Microsoft has developed a new design of computer mouse which is certain to break all sales records!

I’ll take a handgun, a 12 pack of Budweiser, and a Vera Wang Wedding Dress. And I’m kind of in a hurry…

Uh oh, a new case of Mad Cow Disease has been discovered in New York!

Nice Email Of The Week


Hi, Shortarmguy (sorry ‘don’t recall your real name),
You may not remember me but I’ve emailed you a few times (sent you some photos and videos you put on your site). 
I build web sites and I’m a minister.  This may surprise you but I can’t wait until after giving my Sunday sermon to then come home and check to see your weekly updates.  And, one Christmas, my dad, two brothers and myself spent hours on your site going back through the archives and laughing like mental patients.


(The balance of the email was regarding a website technical issues, but I enjoyed this excerpt so much I had to include it on this week’s update!  I think it’s neat to imagine a minister delivering his Sunday sermon and then looking forward to coming home to view!  I sometimes lose faith that my site isn’t going in the right direction, but every time I get an email like this it inspires me to push harder to make this site better so I can achieve my mission to be famous!)

Crazy Email Archives