Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Jan05

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

January 29, 2005

You knew the Packers Bashing from last week would have to follow up with some Vikings Bashing this week!
I want an albino bear cub!! Buy me one, Daddy!!
Where's that Hare? I'll Crush Him!
He was the bravest deer we ever knew...
Ummmm, about that shipment we're waiting for. It might be slightly delayed...
Tsunami Survivor Haggard and dehydrated survivors of Asia's tsunami catastrophe are found floating in the ocean as far out as 100 miles! Pictured here is a woman who managed to survive without any debris or flotation devices for days. How she managed is still baffling officials.
I'm guessing Heaven looks a lot like this...
Farrah, I'm afraid the plastic surgery isn't working any more...time to be ugly like the rest of us!

Nice Email Of The Week

Hey Todd

I noticed that you had a bit about Mitchell O’Brien’s pub a while ago. Doug O’Brien is a good friend of mine and it’s unfortunate that the pub has had to close now. Apart from my day job (details below) I also own a pub in Detroit called the Che-Vele sports bar.  It’s actually on Ryan road just south of 13 mile road, next to Walgreen’s.

It’s not a very big place, the capacity is around 150 but it’s very friendly and has a “Cheers” type of environment with some of the regulars still coming in after 40 years! 

My business partner and co-owner is Bryan Morgan, he comes from Wales and I come from Scotland. We’ve both been in the states for 10 years now.

I’d like to give you and your family an open invitation to drop in whenever you’re in the area and have a beer with me. I think your website is excellent and I look forward to seeing all the updates. Keep up the good work; the world could do with more people like you.



January 22, 2005


There Was A Lot Of Packer Bashing This Week In Vikings Land!
Only in Minnesota! On Friday, New Year's Eve, my wife Bridget and I were headed to my parents Cabin near Perham, Minnesota. We came upon this accident on the east bound lane of Hwy. 10 just east of Frazee about 4 miles. I stopped and helped the girl out of the the car while my wife called 911. The people driving the truck were almost in shock when they finally figured out what had happened. The girl in the car said, "I was only going 77mph." I talked to the guy driving the pick-up and he was going 35mph. Thankfully and unbelievably no one was hurt.
What XRAY Techs Do When They're Bored!

Phuket Deep Sea Creatures – Found At Seaside After TSUNAMI

As everyone knows, the tsunami in Southeast Asia was devastating both in the loss of life and economically to the region. However now that the clean up is underway in the region, deep sea creatures that live too deep to be studied are being found scattered throughout the wreckage. These creatures were washed up on shore when the waves hit.

Amazing what lives so far below the surface isn’t it? It is ironic how terrible human tragedy and natural disaster can lead to unprecedented expansion of scientific knowledge.

The theory is the tsunami created enough vertical currents to sweep these deep living creatures to the surface quickly. The gases in their blood expanded rapidly causing death (like divers ascending too quickly).

So after I totally believe that the above creatures were really caught after the tsunami, Snopes bursts the bubble again. Turns out these are real deep sea creatures, but they weren't found after the tsunami!! Read more details here.

January 17, 2005

Gimme That Fish!
Busty Mouse Pads

The rest of the story….

I talked with my Vet, Dr Harvey Aluni, in Virginia, MN.

His opinion is  the deer most likely was suffering from “subcutaneous emphysema”.  This anomaly was likely due to an arrow piercing the hide, the skin  and the paunch, but not lethally.  The external arrow wound scabbed over or was plugged by tallow.  The internal wound allowed methane  and carbon dioxide to escape the paunch and abdomen (stomach cavity) and enter the subcutaneous space between the hide and  body cavity. This gas is continuously produced by the digestive system and normally passed out of the body.  With a “leak” in the system the gas follows the path of least resistance, filling the void between skin and body and producing a buck of Mt Olympia proportions.   He thought the buck would (eventually) die a slow death. 

 You did it a favor.  He did not recommend eating it, either.  He  said the cases he’s seen in dogs have been when the lungs or windpipe is severed and the skin “crackled” when the fur was petted from the air in the fat layer. Did you notice this?  Please send the pictures if you would.  I would like to see if  any other biologists have seen this anomaly before.

 Tom Rusch 

Area Wildlife Manager — Tower Area Wildlife


Honey, I swear I never touched her!
Wild Winter
A co-worker's customer sent this but did not know these guys... it was forwarded to him by a friend. Although he doesn't know if slaughtering that many big bucks in one area is the best thing to just goes to show what Iowa has to offer in the world of deer hunting. He believes the email said that all the bucks were taken in a half mile of the farm house in the background in Allamakee county. Holy cow. Or Holy Buck would probably be more appropriate!
Just not a good day to be a deer...
A man pulling an ice fishing house got a rude awakening early Friday afternoon when a woman drove right through his fish house and into his pickup box. According to the State Highway Patrol, the woman was talking on a cell phone which distracted her while driving. The accident occurred about a mile east of Frazee, Minn., on U.S.Highway 10. No other information was available. Gale Kaas / Frazee Forum

The Christian Thing To Do

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

“Not a chance” says the husband-“It’s three o’clock in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was it?” asks his wife.

“Just a drunken stranger asking for a push” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks. “NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and raining out!”

“Well, you’ve got a short memory” says his wife.

“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.

“Hello-are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing” the drunk replies.

January 8, 2005

If You Had A Drink Holder Glued To Your Head, You'd Be Perfect!
I've Humped Legs Before, But Never A Boat!
A Full Service Bar
Here's Some Money Just For Creativity!!
Why It's Not A Good Idea To Release Birds At Your Wedding!
Uhhhh, Pastor. We Might Want To Change The Sign...
You gotta love it when your neighbors take an interest in you!!!

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