Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Mar06

On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day.  So email the best stuff you get.  I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get.  Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people.  So no more damn copyright lawsuits! 

Warning!  Adult Material Below!

March 26, 2006

Evidently, A Really Good Deer Decoy
It takes a lot of balls to wear shorts like these....or maybe the opposite!
This lady who lives just on the outskirts of Thunder Bay, Ontario has a Bull Moose who has become her friend.
The Freakiest Beach In The World!
I've heard of lines in the sand, but this is ridiculous!

Joke Of The Week


1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in toilet cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the toilet at the same time).

3) Ignore the first 5 people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name & say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears & grimace.

6) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.

7) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

8) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


9) Say to your boss, “I like your style” & shoot him with double barreled fingers.

10) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it”.

11) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

12) Kneel in front of the water cooler & drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).

13) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


14) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

15) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

16) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.

17) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.

18) After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “the report is on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for 1 hour.

19) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

20) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly & mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”.

21) At lunchtime, get down on your knees & announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”.

22) In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights”.

23) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague & ask “You wanna trade?”

24) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.

25) Come to work in army fatigues & when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”.

26) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague & tell him he’s won a lunch for 4 at a local restaurant. Let him go.

27) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

28) Find the vacuum & start vacuuming around your desk.


Nice Emails Of The Week

This is an email from my high school buddy, Tommy Barlas.  He recently played in the Bay 101 shooting stars tournament in San Jose, California:

        I’m sorry to report that I didn’t win the Bay101 tourney.  After playing for 10 hours the first day I was dealt q j suited in spades.  The flop comes q 7 4 with the seven and four coming in spades.  I go all in and was called with my opponent having 78 offsuit.  An 8 comes on the turn with a meaningless k on the river to end my tournament.  Quite disappointing!  I did however double up on Tom McEvoy.  Tom won many big tournaments as well as writing many poker books.  It wasn’t a total loss!!!  Anyway here is the photo…….Me and Tom McEvoy!!!!!!  Choa! Tommy

Yo Short Arm Guy
Me, Dave and Ben
Thought that we would do are take on the numa muma people
Hope you like

March 19, 2006


More Children's Books That Didn't Quite Make It!

Jorn Olsen works for the  Dutton-Lainson Co. in Hastings,  Nebraska, and lives by Heartwell Park next to Hastings College.   The other night he took these photos. The stadium lights are at the Hastings College stadium just east of his home.

The clouds are called Mammatus clouds.  They do not precede a tornado, or foretell a storm, but are formed when the air is already saturated with rain droplets and/or ice crystals and begins to sink.  The worst of the storm is usually over when these kinds of clouds are seen.  

They are quite rare, but really beautiful.

March 19, 2006


Joke Of The Week

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAAARRR!!!
……….I tell you, I just shit my pants.”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”

The old man shook his head and said, “No, no, no… not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!”

Nice Emails Of The Week

After hearing about the racecar Shortarmguy is sponsoring in Shakopee Minnesota, my high school buddy is adding Shortarmguy to the car he races in Mason City, Iowa!  Do I detect a trend?  NASCAR, here comes the Crazy Cripple!

Hey Buddy,
Here is the web site for WBS Racing.  The links are on the 2nd page.
Chris Wagler

Yo Shortarmguy!

I felt in the mood into a bit of magic on my computer. So i did this funny video of me disappearing. I laughed and hope u do!

Dave, friend with ryan, england

PS. Please put it on the web, would make me popular wiv my friends!!


March 12, 2006


How Not To Do A Robbery...
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
I hate when this happens.
One of my dreams in life is to see a Great White Shark in person. But there's no way I'm leaning over the side of the boat like this!
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
Wishes Do Come True!
Rest In Peace, Barney!

Joke Of The Week

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one

“Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room,” she asked.

“Just a minute, I have to go pee”, he said.

The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you John, how would you say it?”

“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very mannerly to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the table.”

And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners.

I would say:

“Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.

Nice Emails Of The Week

figured this would be great for your list (long time reader!!)

this is another one of those “keep you busy at work all day” kinda games, that you can just waste all your time on

my addiction has grown pretty high!

***After this email, I traded several more with Rob and found out that he is a very talented web developer behind a bunch of cool sites including  He told me he was a long-time fan of which he discovered years ago after I linked to one of his websites called  I’m hoping Rob will send more of his incredible creations!

I had an interesting exchange with my friend, Anne.  I’m hoping she won’t get upset that I post it here, but I enjoyed her response so much I thought It was my nicest email of the week!

She forwarded me this email:

On the 11 am news!   chip implants for humans!!  computer chip implants!!   how long have we been watching for this?!   I was horrified a few years ago when they were implanting in animals! does this make anyone else nervous?? how easily this could turn into the 666 that can keep up with anyone , anywhere, anytime… and you could not buy or sell without the chip! watch for more of this on he news!! ordered off the internet… and implanted into your left hand!! 

I responded with the following:

Interesting theory….then again, if the prophesies in the bible are true and this is the mark of the beast that is supposed to happen before end times….this would mean Jesus would be coming back to Earth soon.  Wouldn’t that be considered a good thing?  Wouldn’t we welcome the things that are foretold in Revelations?  I’ve never understood the reason to panic at the potential of stuff like this…it seems to me that true followers of Jesus should be anxious for the 2nd Coming?

Or am I missing something there??

This was her response:

Right you are, Todd!!!!   Wow, you sure put that in it’s place:)
I am so proud of you and proud to call you friend! 
God bless you!!
Love and hug’s always,

Ryan and Dave from England sent another fun video to

This time, it’s their tribute to the Great Benny Hill

March 5, 2006


Bad Night At The Bar
Bush has taken up a new strategy for deflecting criticism of his policies.
I hate when this happens.
More Banned Children's Toys
For some reason, I just don't feel right eating these peppers!
Wishes Do Come True!

Nice Emails Of The Week

Hey Todd,

I consider myself a spiritual guy and I will pray for your Dad. My brother has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and he will be getting radiation soon.

I pray if it comes down to it, I will be a match for your Dad if he needs a marrow transplant; I’ve been on the donor list since 1995 and still waiting for the call. Love your website and its helped me pass the time while I wait for back surgery some time soon I hope.

Bryan W

Mesquite, Texas

Dear Short Arm Guy

You rock. As proprietor of the Carnival of the Celebrities web site, I thank you for the link to the Brokeback spoofs.
I really liked the quadruplets laughing.  Whose kids are they? Oh their laughter is infectious. I love it
Don Surber
Poca Wv
Dear Shortarmguy,
This is an actual liquor store that I recently saw on a trip to Beaver Creek, Colorado in January. I thought you would like it. I really enjoy your site.


Joke Of The Week

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office.

“You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?” the elderly woman asked.

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster’s home to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

“I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank,” she replied.

“Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on,” said the woman.”  I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”

“Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!” the lawyer exclaimed. “I need to know what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”

The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married and the fact is I’ve never slept with a man.  So before I die, I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went in.  She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out, so she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled,

“Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the county bury her.”

Crazy Email Archives