Shortarmguy's Emails To Make You Think
July 29, 2007
You might belong to Generation X if:
You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
You know, by heart, the words to a “Weird” Al Yankovic song.
You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.
“The Reflex” was a cool song.
You remember “Battlestar Galactica.”
Three words: “Atari,” “Apple,” and “Pong.”
You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh.
You remember the days when “safe sex” meant “my parents are gone for the weekend.”
You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.
You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool.
For the girl crazy bunch: Your first sexual dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hard-core comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats
And for the boy crazy bunch: You thought Sean Cassidy was “dreamy”, lusted after “Ted, your ship’s photographer” on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
You’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
You remember when there was only “G, PG and R”, none of this PG-13 crap.
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman/Man or Wonder Woman/the Incredible Hulk.
You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
“All-skate, change directions” means something to you.
You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark.”
You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
You wore Birdwell’s Beach Britches, or anything made by OP.
You remember that video by A Flock of Seagulls.
“Thriller”, “Beat It”, or “Ebony and Ivory” was your top request on the radio.
Remember “Tainted Love”?
Every time you see one of those big military rescue helicopters, you think of the “Screaming Mimi” from “Riptide.”
You saw the space shuttle launch in school and thought “Wow, cool.”
One word: Corduroy.
You are a Remington Steele fan.
You saw the Stones’ *first* farewell tour.
When you saw Dana Plato’s layout in Playboy, it didn’t match the fantasies you had from watching her on “Diff’rent Strokes.”
“What You takin`about Willard?” (Ya, you said it!)
You remember when Eddie Van Halen and Hugh Heffner were both single. “Van Halen just isn’t the same without Dave.”
You remember when Rush was a heavy metal band, and Geddy Lee’s voice could shatter glass.
You saw the first “Less Filling/Tastes Great” commercial.
You know the Fonz’s full name.
You decided to take up golf after you saw “Caddyshack.”
Cheech and Chong were really cool, man.
Go, Speed Racer, go!
Rocky and Bullwinkle, Speed Buggy, Underdog, and Get Smart were your favorite TV shows, right after Gilligan’s Island.
You remember all the words to the Gilligan’s Island theme song.
Redd Foxx was great as Fred Sanford.
Sonny Bono as mayor still wigs you out.
You went around humming Manfred Mann’s “Do Wah Diddy” for two weeks after you saw “Stripes.”
You’ve ever shouted, “I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day!”
You remember when OJ was famous for running through airports in Hertz commercials, or for playing football.
Carroll O’connor was Archie Bunker, not that hick cop from Georgia.
You still watch “The Jeffersons,” and you’re waiting for “Good Times” to come out on video. (Dyne-O-Mite!) ~ you know you said that too!
It’s sad to see Jimmie Walker, Evel Knievel, and Eddie Munster in those Little Caesar’s ads.
The words “How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?” and “Where’s the beef?!” bring back fond childhood memories.
Sesame Street and Star Trek played important roles during your formative years.
You remember hollering out “HEY YOU GUYS” from Electric company on PBS channel
You really liked the car in “Hardcastle and McCormick.”
You know what “Nanoo, nanoo” means.
Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder really knew how to make an entrance into a prison cell. (“That’s right, we bad….”)
You remember Velvet Jones, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, and Gumby, dammit!
Before “NYPD Blue,” it was “Hill Street Blues.” And before that, it was “Baretta,” “Columbo,” and “Starsky & Hutch.”
You know where the line “Yo, Adrian!” came from.
You watched ZOOM on TV.
You took a date to see “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
The video for Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” was almost as badass as Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing.”
You remember Sting as the front man for the Police.
You got sick of hearing George Michael’s “Sex” over and over on the radio, kinda like Def Leppard……
You remember anything Bruce Springsteen did before “Born in the USA.”
You watched “Cagney and Lacey.”
You zaw zoze Zima commerzials on ze TV. (“Nice hat.”)
You know that the “Queen of Rock and Roll” is Rod Stewart.
You know who Tennesee Tuxedo was.
You used to watch “Hollywood Squares” because it was on between “Gomer Pyle, USMC” and “Batman .”
You wore your jeans tight, not baggy like all your friends do now to hide their flabby backsides.
You actually remember Spuds McKenzie, Alex from Stroh’s, and the Swedish Bikini Team.
You remember when Joe Camel made his first appearance, on the 75th birthday commemorative pack.
You remember when Patrick Duffy went from being “The Man from Atlantis” to Bobby Ewing.
You know who shot JR.
Before he starred with Lou Ferigno in “The Increduble Hulk,” Bill Bixby played in “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” (After he did “My Favorite Martian,” of course.)
Remember “Real People” and “That’s Incredible”?
Dennis Miller, for just an instant, was actually as funny as he thought he was.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on “Land of the Lost”.
You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
“IntelliVision” and “Coleco”. Sound familiar?
You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.
You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”. Or worst yet-DELTA DAWN !
You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase “Jane, you ignorant slut”.
You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
You’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.
You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.
You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
This rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”
You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar or Piano
You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab.
You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
DELTA DAWN WHAT `s THAT FLOWER YOU HAVE ON?~ Could it be a faded rose from days gone by.. and did I hear you say- la-la la- la- la-……. Now try and get that out of your head all day..
July 22, 2007
Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We are traveling by train – out the windows, we drink in the passing scenes of children waving at a crossing, cattle grazing on a distant hillside, row upon row of corn and wheat, flatlands and valleys, mountains and rolling hillsides and city skylines.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there, our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes – waiting, waiting, waiting for the station. “When we reach the station, that will be it!” we cry.
“When I’m 18.”
“When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!”
“When I put the last kid through college!”
“When I have paid off the mortgage!”
” When I get a promotion!”
“When I reach retirement, I shall live happily ever after!”
Sooner or later, we realize there is no station, no one place to arrive. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us.
“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24: “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”
It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today. So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.
Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.
July 15, 2007
Last Saturday morning, my buddy Bo Warren and I were trolling for stripers in the Chesapeake Bay. We were 1½ miles offshore in about 80 feet of water contemplating why the fish weren’t biting. We looked back to check our gear and saw something odd in the water. Was it a seal?? Can’t be, we don’t have seals around here. On closer look, it turned out to be a buck deer that was WAY off course. He was desperate and barely staying afloat.
I’ve seen deer swim a river or bayou before. When you see that, the first thing you notice is that they are powerful swimmers. Their head and shoulders are out of the water and they make surprisingly good headway. This critter was just keeping his nose up and looked like he’d been swimming all night long. In fact, he was so warn out that he swam toward the boat probably thinking it looked enough like land to him. When he got closer though, he wasn’t sure what to make of the two dudes on board, and backed off.
So, since the fish weren’t biting, we thought we’d give this buck a hand. Turns out Bo grew up around cows and was really handy with a bowline. He lassoed the deer on the first try! Bo grabbed his neck, I grabbed the flank, and we barreled over backwards into the boat. Before I knew it, Bo was on top of him and had him tied up just like a calf.
We hit the throttle and shuttled him to the closest beach – Kent Point. I beached the boat and we carefully unloaded the deer onto the sand. The whole time we kept thinking he was going to kick the snot out of us. He never did though; he was totally spent. We untied him and jumped back. Too weak to stand, he just sat there quivering. We even picked him up again and put his feet underneath him, but he still couldn’t walk. Don’t know if he made it or not, but I think his chances were vastly improved. Hopefully he recovered after time. When you’re out & about, ya just never know…
July 8, 2007
* The term the “Boogey Man will get you” comes from the Boogey people, who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates today and attack ships that pass. Thus the term spread “if you don’t watch out the Boogey man will get you.”
* The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
* Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2
* Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever
* Dumbest: afghan
The energy in an average one day hurricane could power the United States for three years.
How many states are named after a president?????……..
A hamlet is a village without a church.
The ‘Happy Birthday’ song is actually copyrighted. So legally and technically, if you somehow profit from the song you are entitled to pay royalties to the Time-Warner Corporation
The new IRS employee manual includes provisions for collecting taxes in the aftermath of a (nuclear war)!
$100 Note Fact Sheet
The vignette on the back of the $100 note is Independence Hall in Philadelphia. There are three people depicted in the engraving. Two (a man and a woman) are in front of the hall close to the building; the third person is a man pictured looking toward the building. There is no record that the man and woman are embracing.
The hands of the clock are set at approximately 4:10. Although the time is not readily identifiable to the naked eye, it may be verified if examined under twenty-fold magnification. There are no records explaining why that particular time was chosen.
The life span of a $1 Federal Reserve Note is 21 months. Other denominations have different life spans.
The average life span of a Federal Reserve Note by denomination:
Denomination Life Span
$ 1 ……………………..21 months
$ 5 ……………………..16 months
$ 10 ……………………18 months
$ 20 ……………..……24 months
$ 50 ……………………55 months
$100 …………………..89 months
Contrary to popular belief, the automobile pictured on the back of the $10 note is not a Model “T” Ford. It is merely a creation of the designer of the bill.
Look on the back of a $5 bill. If you look carefully you can read the names of the states along the top of the Lincoln Memorial.
June 30, 2007
Rick Warren (REMEMBER HE WROTE-PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE)
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having “wealth” from the book sales.
This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, “Purpose Driven Life ” author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California .
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond:
In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body– but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act – the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn’t going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that’s not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life was hills and valleys – you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.
If you focus on your problems, you’re going into self-centeredness, “which is my problem, my issues, my pain.” But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.
It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don’t think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God’s purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don’t get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn’t put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He’s more interested in what I am than what I do.
That’s why we’re called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
This is beautiful and food for the soul. A friend sent it to me, and I would like to share it with you.
June 24, 2007
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it- – sometimes twice a week.
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST . FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
And where do they get this mulch?
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
June 17, 2007
Angels, Explained by children
Sarah, 7 ” I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.”
Gregory, 5 “Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.”
Olive, 9 “It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.”
Matthew, 9 “Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.”
Mitchell, 7 “My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.”
Henry, 8 “Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!.”
Jack, 6 “Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.”
Daniel, 9 “When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.”
Reagan, 10 “Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the Winter.”
Sara, 6 “Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.”
Jared , 8 “All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it.”
Katelynn, 9 “Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.”
Vicki, 8 “What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.”
Antonio, 9 “My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.”
June 10, 2007
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
How Come there is no word in the English language that rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child…she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
If Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Dijon vu – Is it the same mustard as before?
How Come You read about all these terrorists; most of them came here legally but they hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
June 2, 2007
CHECK IT OUT!!!!!
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They’re plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings…but this one is real, and it’s
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Angels Explained by Children
” I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.”
“Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.”
“It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.”
“Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.”
“My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science.”
“Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!.”
“Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.”
“When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.”
“Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the Winter.”
“Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.”
Jared , 8
“All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it.”
“Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.”
“What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.”
“My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.”
Inspiration from the past
On this page, I will post the most inspirational material I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. Life can be darn tough sometimes and every now and then you might need a little happiness booster. I’m hoping this page may accomplish that. After you read a few of these, you can push back from your keyboard, throw your arms in the air, wave them back and forth and scream “I’m glad to be alive!” If this happens to you, please send pictures and I’ll post them here!