Shortarmguy's Emails To Make You Think
March 30, 2008
I haven’t tried these personally …Vodka! Who knew?
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
- Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me!
I’ve only been drinking the stuff.
March 23, 2008
Have you ever noticed???
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, “Just who do you think you are?”
- Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
- I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
- Banning the bra was a big flop.
- Unless you’re the lead dog, the view doesn’t change
- When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That BITCH has EVERYTHING!
- Vote-Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
- With my life I could be on all of Oprah’s shows.
- Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips
March 16, 2008
Is there a magic cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable for their own
Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug, ‘It’s
Their life’ and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital
Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few
Stitches in my daughter’s head. I asked, ‘When do
You stop worrying?’ The nurse said,
‘When they get out of the accident stage.’ My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little
Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my
Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career making
License plates. As if to read my mind , a teacher
Said, ‘Don’t worry, they all go through
This stage and then you can sit back, relax and
Enjoy them. My dad just smiled
Faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime
Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come
Home, the front door to open. A friend said,
‘They’re trying to find themselves. Don’t worry,
In a few years, you can stop worrying. They’ll be
Adults.’ My dad just smiled faintly
And said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being
Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my
Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There
Was nothing I could do a bout it. My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I
Continued to anguish over their failures, be
Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in
My friends said that when my kids got married I
Could stop worrying and lead my own
Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was
Haunted by my dad’s warm smile and his
Occasional, ‘You look pale. Are you all right?
Call me the minute you get home. Are
You depressed about something?’
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
Human frailties and the fears of the
Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue
That elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
Recently, saying to me, ‘Where were you? I’ve been
Calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried.’
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
(And also to your children. That’s the fun part)
March 9, 2008
When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.
To her horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.’
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy’s ear,
”Don’t quit …..Keep playing.’
Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn’t recall what else the great master played.
Only the classic, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.’
Perhaps that’s the way it is with God.
What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren’t always graceful flowing music.
However, with the hand of the Master, our life’s work can truly be beautiful.
The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully.
You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, ‘Don’t quit…..Keep playing.’
May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn’t seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips the ‘called.’
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire.
May God bless you and be with you always and remember,
‘Don’t quit . .. . Keep playing.’
March 2, 2008
Lee Iacocca Says:
‘Am I the only guy in this country who’s fed up with what’s happening?
Where the hell is our outrage?
We should be screaming bloody murder. We’ve got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we’ve got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can’t even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, ‘Stay the course’
Stay the course? You’ve got to be kidding.
This is America , not the damned ‘Titanic.’ I’ll give you a sound bite: ‘Throw all the bums out!’
You might think I’m getting senile, that I’ve gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we’re fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving ‘pom-poms’ instead of asking hard questions. That’s not the promise of the ‘ America ‘ my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I’ve had enough. How about you?
I’ll go a step further. You can’t call yourself a patriot if you’re not outraged. This is a fight I’m ready and willing to have.
The Biggest ‘C’ is Crisis !
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It’s easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else’s kids off to war when you’ve never seen a battlefield yourself. It’s another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess
So here’s where we stand. We’re immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We’re running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We’re losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power (no in Congress and no one in the White House or any part of the administration) has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you’ve got to ask: ‘Where have all the leaders gone?’
Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We’ve spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.
Everyone’s hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn’t happen again. Now, that’s just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you’re going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when ‘The Big Three’ referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn’t elect you to sit on your asses and remain silent, then babble a bit and ultimately do nothing while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox or CNN News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don’t you guys show some spine for a change?
Hey, I’m not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I’m trying to light a fire. I’m speaking out because I have hope, I believe in America. In my lifetime I’ve had the privilege of living through some of America’s greatest moments. I’ve also experienced some of our worst crises: the ‘Great Depression,’ ‘World War II,’ the ‘Korean War,’ the ‘Kennedy Assassination,’ the ‘Vietnam War,’ the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.
If I’ve learned one thing, it’s this: ‘You don’t get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it’s building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That’s the challenge I’m raising in this book.
It’s a call to ‘Action’ for people who, like me, people who believe in America.
It’s not too late, but it’s getting pretty close. So let’s shake off the crap and go to work. Let’s tell ’em all we’ve had ‘enough.’
February 24, 2008
– The first Ford cars used Dodge engines.
– Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the morning.
– Virginia actually extends farther west than West Virginia.
– China has more English speakers than the United States.
– An average office desk has 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet.
– Neanderthal man had 100cc more brain capacity than the modern man.
– India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
– Bill Gates’ house was designed using a Mac computer.
– It snows more in the Grand Canyon than in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
– There are more nutrients in The package of cornflakes than the cornflakes themselves.
– Maine is closer to Bermuda than Florida.
– 315 entries in the Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
– No Wonder They Are So Tense – Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
– Funky Founding Fathers – Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana on their farms.
– Not so Golden – The gold medals in the Olympics are not really golden. 1912 was the last time they were 100 percent gold.
–Watch Where You Walk – A man that never shaved would have a beard roughly 30 feet long at the end of a normal life span.
– Cheap and Rich – WAL-MART makes about $3,000,000.00 in revenues every 7 minutes!
– Sailors Golden Earrings – Aye, matey. The movies tell the truth. Sailors always were wearing gold earrings when out on the water. It was not a fashion statement. The earrings were supposed to be sold if the sailor died to pay for the funeral.
– White House Dimensions – There are 132 rooms, 35 bathrooms, and 6 levels in the Residence. There are also 412 doors, 147 windows, 28 fireplaces, 8 staircases, and 3 elevators.
– Odd Godfather Fact – The Godfather is roundly acclaimed as one of the greatest movies ever. Al Pacino certainly benefited from it. Few know, however, his role was originally intended for Warren Beatty who turned it down. Doh!
– Foreign Legion Identity – People entering the French Foreign Legion are given an entirely new identity. If they serve their full term of 5 years, they can continue to use the identity and are given a French passport for the name.
– French Foreign Legion – The French Foreign Legion gets its name from an obvious source. Every soldier is foreign and French citizens are not allowed.
Read This Slowly
What Did U Read?
LiFe Is No Where!!
LiFe IS Now Here!!
Just BeautifuL Line To Say,
“LiFe Depends On The Way We Look It”
February 17, 2008
CRABBY OLD MAN
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the
author of this ” anonymous” poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? …What do you see?
What are you thinking…..when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, …not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ……..with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food…….and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice…..”I do wish you’d try!”
Who seems not to notice …the things that you do.
And forever is losing ………. A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not………..lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding … The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse. …..you’re not looking at me.
I’ll tell you who I am ………. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ….as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten…….with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ………who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen ..with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ……my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows……that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now ………. I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide …. And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ……… My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other …….. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons …have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me…….to see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, …….. Babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children ……. My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me …………. .. My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ……………I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing……young of their own.
And I think of the years……. And the love that I’ve known.
I’m now an old man………and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age ……look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles……….grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone……..where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass …… A young guy still dwells,
And now and again ……my battered heart swells
I remember the joys……….. I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living………….life over again.
I think of the years ..all too few……gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact……..that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ………open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer….see……..ME!!
We should remember this poem when we next meet an older person who we might brush aside without looking at the young soul within…..we will all, one day, be there, too!
The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.
February 10, 2008
Because I Am Not A Man
Because I’m not a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will not fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore all suggestions that I call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I’m not a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will not pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.and spit! If another woman shows up, one of us will not say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will not then have a beer.
Because I’m not a man, when I catch a cold, I do not need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan and watch cartoons.
Because I’m not a man, I can be relied upon to purchase more than basic groceries such as milk and bread at the store. I can find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” I know these are not the same thing.
Because I’m not a man, when one of my appliances stops working, I will not insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m not a man, I feel no compulsive need to hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I will not miss a whole show looking for it, nor will I attempt to survive the ordeal by holding a calculator.
Because I’m not a man, I don’t deny that I am lost, and yes, I will stop and ask someone for directions.
Because I’m not a man, I think of things other than sex, cars, beer, or football and I don’t have to make up something when you ask what I am thinking about.
Because I’m not a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, I fully understood it, even if it was something other than a cartoon.
Because I’m not a man, I care about what I am wearing and I will not just throw anything on and go.
This has been a public service message for Men to better understand the Female.
February 3, 2008
“A smile is the best make-up.”
Happiness is the best facelift.
“A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years’ mere study of books.”
(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
“Fishermen and Hypochondriacs are a lot alike. They’re happy if they catch anything!” (source unknown)
“I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James”.
“One father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”
“The first step to wisdom is silence; the second is listening.” (Source Unknown)
“Good communication is as stimulating as coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”
(Anne Morrow Lindbergh)
“Education costs money, but then so does ignorance.”
(Sir Claus Moser)
What is your heaviest burden?” asked the child. “To have nothing to carry,” answered the old man.”
“You are more important than your problems.”
“You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.”
“If you don’t Stand For Something, you’ll Fall For Anything.”
“It is easier to follow your leader if you have confidence in whom your leader is following.”
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”
When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador: “If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits.”
“Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair; he shows a diamond; she shows a flush; and they end up with a full house.”
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
“How do you spell Love to your children? …..T..I..M..E “
Inspiration from the past
On this page, I will post the most inspirational material I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. Life can be darn tough sometimes and every now and then you might need a little happiness booster. I’m hoping this page may accomplish that. After you read a few of these, you can push back from your keyboard, throw your arms in the air, wave them back and forth and scream “I’m glad to be alive!” If this happens to you, please send pictures and I’ll post them here!