Shortarmguy's Emails To Make You Think
September 30, 2007
Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-a air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk . You were shot down!”
“How in the world did you know that?” asked Plumb.
“I packed your parachute,” the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked!” Plumb assured him, “It sure did. If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, “I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said ‘Good morning, how are you?’ or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.” Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn’t know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, “Who’s packing your parachute?” Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory — he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is r really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.
I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute . And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do — you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So my friend, next time when you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile, just helping you pack your parachute…….
Have a great day and stay in touch…..
September 23, 2007
Never Discount Wisdom When The Outcome Is Important…!
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful”, he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I have faded it a little.” After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par ,and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”
The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.
September 16, 2007
Thought you might find this new slant on health rather interesting!
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it.. don’t waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good f or your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition
and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills!
September 9, 2007
Tip: Keep inconveniences in perspective.
This past week I was on a four and a half hour, non-stop flight from Seattle, Washington, to Atlanta, Georgia.
In all my years of traveling, I have learned that each time a plane has the opportunity to stop, there is potential for unexpected challenges. Flight delays, weather and airline crews can create
unanticipated challenges on any trip. Therefore, I always try to fly non-stop between my destinations.
About an hour into this particular flight, the Captain’s voice rang over the intercom. He asked if there was a physician or nurse on the plane. If so, he asked them to identify themselves by ringing the flight attendant call button beside their seat. I listened carefully but heard no one ring their bell. I immediately began to wonder what was happening.
In a few minutes the Captain informed us that there was a medical emergency on board and asked again if there was a physician or a nurse who could help. When there was no response, we were told that we were going to make an emergency stop in Denver, Colorado. He apologized
but told us that there would be a medical emergency team waiting to meet us at the gate and that we would probably only be delayed by about thirty minutes. Though it was necessary, we knew we would all be inconvenienced by the extra stop.
About half an hour later, we landed at Denver International Airport and the medical crew immediately came on board. However, everything took longer than had previously been expected An elderly gentleman, about 85 years old, had suddenly taken ill. It was not clear whether he had experienced a stroke or heart attack. Even after the gentleman was carried off of the plane, we still sat there for quite a while. The original “short” stop turned into about an hour and a half.
When we finally pushed back from the gate and were in the air, the pilot apologized profusely for the unavoidable delay. He said that since the stop had taken longer than expected, those passengers who needed to make connections in Atlanta would miss their flights but would automatically be booked on the next flight out.
You could almost hear the moans and groans throughout the airplane of everyone who was being inconvenienced by the unexpected stop. Then the pilot did one of the classiest things I have personally ever seen or heard anyone do. He spoke into the intercom and said,
“Ladies and gentlemen, I thought you might be interested in one bit of information. The elderly gentleman who was taken off the plane was a Marine in WWII. I am holding in my hand a copy of the Congressional Medal of Honor that was awarded to him and signed by President
Harry Truman in 1945.
“The pilot went on to say, “I realize that we have all been inconvenienced today. However, in light of the fact that this gentleman was a war hero and was inconvenienced for four years of his life in order that we might experience the freedoms that we enjoy today, I thought you all should know that.”
Immediately the airplane was filled with applause. Everyone was cheering and so pleased to know that the gentleman had been cared for in a way that was fitting and appropriate As we continued to fly, I thought to myself, “Isn’t that interesting? We were concerned that we were inconvenienced for a couple of hours and yet, this gentleman’s entire life was interrupted and inconvenienced for over four years while he went and fought in a war to protect the freedoms and values that we love and hold dear in this country today.”
I breathed a prayer for the gentleman and asked God to bless him for all he had done to help us understand what freedom is all about.
“History does not entrust the care of freedom to the weak or timid.”
– Dwight D. Eisenhower
September 2, 2007
MARINES AND TAMPONS
Tampons to the rescue in Iraq!! Don’t worry, it’s a good story, and worth reading. It’s even humorous in parts. It’s from the mother of a Marine in Iraq.
My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you. He said that one guy, we’ll call Marine X, got a girl care package and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, “Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.”
I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, Marine X thinks it’s for him too.
He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, “What’d we get this time?”
My son said they had the most fun with Marine X’s package. He said he wasn’t sure who we were sending the pack to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, “Look at me, I’m an Airborne Ranger!!!!”
One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course…….they had those tampons. When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued.
My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items
from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have
it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about “not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.”
He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn’t get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, “Hey! Use Marine X’s tampons!” My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, “Mom, did you know that tampons expand?” (“Well….yeah!”)
They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, “You guys saved his life. If you hadn’t stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.” My Son said, “Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine’s life.”
At this point I asked him, “Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?” He said, “Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.”
I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can’t believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone’s life.
My sister said she doesn’t believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that “female care package” was sent to Marine X to save our Marine. Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.
GOD BLESS AMERICA AND KEEP IT SAFE!
August 26, 2007
Things I Wish I’d Known Earlier in Life
Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
Good sex should involve laughter. Because it’s, you know, funny.
Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Thank you” though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize” and “You are right”.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was “Go! You might meet somebody!” and I did!
If he says that you are too good for him believe it.
I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
Work is good but it’s generally not important.
Never under estimate the kindness of your fellow man.
And finally… Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect, it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.
August 19, 2007
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…
“Fred,” Martha says aloud.
“What?” says Fred, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Fred.
“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Fred.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.
“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Fred.
“That way about time,” says Martha.
“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Fred,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”
And that’s the difference between men and women.
August 12, 2007
If You Grew Up in the Rural Midwest.
You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
You know the difference between “Green” and “Red” farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
You hear someone use the word “oof-dah” and you don’t break into uncontrollable laughter.
You or someone you know was a “Dairy Princess” at the county fair.
You know that “combine” is a noun.
You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
You know Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
You know that “creek” rhymes with “pick”.
Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.
There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.
You have driven your car on the lake.
You can make sense of “upnort” and “baatree”.
Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
The local gas station sells live bait.
At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your midwest friends!
August 5, 2007
ADVICE FOR ANYONE.
Ten Rules for Being Human
by Cherie Carter-Scott
You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
“There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
You will forget all this.
Inspiration from the past
On this page, I will post the most inspirational material I receive on any given day. So email firstname.lastname@example.org the best stuff you get. Life can be darn tough sometimes and every now and then you might need a little happiness booster. I’m hoping this page may accomplish that. After you read a few of these, you can push back from your keyboard, throw your arms in the air, wave them back and forth and scream “I’m glad to be alive!” If this happens to you, please send pictures and I’ll post them here!