December 26, 2005
The Shortarmguy Family Christmas Weekend started off with a visit to our Family’s Hero, Dr. Amarjit Singh of Children’s Heart Clinic in Minneapolis. Dr. Singh has been with us since the boys were still a mixture of egg whites and tadpoles in Miss Sheri’s belly. He navigated us through the Darkest Times in our lives and we feel forever in his debt for what he’s done for Luke and Avery. Thankfully, he said the boys looked great and everything is going very well. There’s no better Christmas present for The Shortarmguy Family than that one!
On Friday afternoon, Luke and Avery stopped by Nor-tech’s Day Care to see the big man himself. They’re definitely getting older because they keep asking silly questions like is this Santa the real one or a fake one? Instead of replying, I just run away.
Christmas was spent in Iowa on the farm which was quite enjoyable. Shortarmguy’s notebook computer broke on the way down which is why this week’s update is so dang late. Three days without a computer is very much like going through Withdrawal for Shortarmguy. But we did have a very Merry Christmas with Miss Sheri’s Family.
Sunny was jumping for joy because he didn’t have to stay in a box in the garage the whole weekend. Miss Sheri’s parents let him stay in the basement since it was so cold outside. The boys and I took him for frequent walks which can be a little scary on the farm. He keeps finding things to eat which are not meant for consumption by any living creature. It makes me cringe thinking about it when Sunny starts licking my face.
December 18, 2005
The snow has really started falling in Minnesota! Miss Sheri and the boys made the creepy snowman above. He freaks me out when I wake up in the morning and see him staring back at me in the dark backyard. I always get the feeling that he wants to wrestle.
At least he was creepy until Sunny saw those tempting stick arms of his. With a couple leaps, our beloved Golden Retriever tore off his limbs and played beaver with them. Mr. Snowman fits so much better into our family now that he’s disabled!
We celebrated Grandma Linda’s 83rd birthday this week! Doesn’t she look great for a lady born in the twenties? Although Grandma did get a special ice cream, sadly the Outback waitress didn’t bring her friends over so we could all sing a crazy Birthday song together. I guess they didn’t want us to get carried away in the restaurant.
Krazy Kory came to town with his son, Ben, to go to the Vikings/Steelers Game. On Saturday, we drug Shortarmguy’s snowmobile out of storage to give the kids rides on Prior Lake. We had a lot of fun, but I do find it really hard to give the kids rides without torturing myself with the question: Is this ice thick enough to hold us?
December 11, 2005
Savage, Minnesota celebrated the opening of a brand new branch of Wells Fargo and the Shortarmguy family was there to satisfy our stagecoach urges. Nothing like riding a horse-drawn carriage to goose your Christmas Spirit.
Everyone was tired after a wild and crazy weekend spent with our Texas cousins. On Monday night, Avery fell asleep on the stairs. The next night, Sunny was busted sleeping in the boy’s bed. It looks like he wants to say “You’re not going to make me move, are you?”
Miss Sheri and I had a very busy week trying to stay focused on the standard Christmas Chaos like shopping and writing our annual holiday letter. Our Christmas Letter is always a great source of stress for us this time of year, so it feels really good to have it done! If any of you would like to read it, I’ve put it online here:
December 4, 2005
Shortarmguy’s sister, Tammy, was in town from Dallas this week. She brought her 3 daughters and quite a bit of pandemonium as well. I’m seriously considering getting a new security system installed in my house that warns me when our Estrogen levels get too high!
Luke and Avery drove us crazy for weeks counting down the days until their cousins came to town. Dad, how many sleeps until Bailey and Mallory are here? 1,000! Now go to bed!
This was our first opportunity to meet Baby Lindsay who is seen here getting ready to see Santa Claus for the first time. I kept trying to tell her that Shortarmguy was the real Santa Claus, but I don’t think she bought it…
The nice thing about having Mallory in town is that she’s willing to carry me around wherever we go. I think this should be expected of all nieces as a service for their favorite Uncles.
We stopped by Hennepin County Medical Center to visit some of Tammy’s old co-workers. Carrie Boswell has been visiting Shortarmguy.com for several years. She says that I’m her next husband. She also told this to Miss Sheri. Sadly, my beloved wife of nearly 12 years seemed all too willing to turn over the reigns.
On Saturday night, Nor-tech had our Big Christmas Party which was really a great time. It’s always so fun to be able to drink a lot of booze and start sharing with your co-workers your true opinions of them. I hope I still have a job on Monday morning!
My co-workers also had the chance to share their true opinions of me as can be seen by this very nice gift from my Secret Santa. This Ass Kisser Breath Spray is really going to come in handy. I don’t know why everyone was laughing at me when I received it. I thought it was very nice.
November 27, 2005
We had a light crowd for Thanksgiving this year at the Shortarmguy residence which meant more turkey for everyone! Yayyy! We tried to be clever and have dinner on Wednesday night and then spend Thursday at Grand Rios water park, but this blew up in our faces. Apparently the park’s fans broke the night before, so the pool was closed. We waited for about three hours and then gave up thinking it would be closed for most of the day. The boys were pretty disappointed. We found out later that it re-opened about 15 minutes after we left. So we weren’t very Thankful for that Bit ‘O Luck!
On Friday, Miss Sheri woke up at 4:30 am to go out and wrestle with the masses during the Black Friday retail extravaganza. Since she was getting presents, Shortarmguy “volunteered” to sleep in and stay home with the boys! What a nice guy I am!! To add to the exciting shopping experience, we also had a few inches of snow on Friday to make the drive home almost as much fun as waiting in the long lines at the store!
For some reason, Shortarmguy’s snow angels never look like anyone else’s. As a matter of fact, if Shortarmguy’s angel was able to magically come to life, I’m guessing she’d just fly around in circles.
November 20, 2005
Saturday night was spent celebrating the arrival of Dr Bollig’s 40th year on Planet Earth. He’s getting Dang Old! His actual birthday is on November 21st but it’s not nearly as much fun to get boozed up on a Monday. I checked to see who shares a birthday with David and found Goldie Hawn, Björk, and former Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, Troy Aikman. Now there’s a Fantasy Birthday Party if I’ve ever seen one!
It was a sad evening in some ways because it was to be the last time we’d see our Good Friend and Nor-tech’s Intel Representative Extraordinaire, Ratika Arora. She’s moving to Portland, Oregon because she received some fancy new promotion that won’t require her to work with Shortarmguy on a weekly basis. Actually, she’s moving to Beaverton, Oregon, but I’m not allowed to say the name of that city any more. For some reason, I can’t say the word Beaverton without giggling like a schoolgirl. I’d like to wish Ratika the Best of Luck with her new journey in life! We will certainly miss you!!
Warehouse Manager Extraordinaire, Larry Hansen, arrived at the Fiesta with this phone stuck to his ear. He didn’t say a word to anyone. He just kept aimlessly walking around the house exclaiming loudly “Can you hear me now? Good!” We tried to explain to him that the joke was about 3 years old and not that funny any more, but he just ignored us. So for three hours straight, he kept shouting that dreaded phrase into the phone. Then he left.
November 13, 2005
As can be seen above, Shortarmguy really has What Girls Want. As if that was any secret!
The Shortarmguy family spent Saturday visiting our favorite Furniture Store, HOM Furniture. Miss Sheri has been jockeying for a new couch. I figure if we at least go look at one, it will get her off my back for a week or so! When the boys and I took the above picture, we had a sales lady come up and start laughing at us. She asked if we were doing the “So Big” pose….I said “Yes, we are!”
The best part of visiting Hom Furniture is the free cookies! Of course, we end up spending a lot more money on furniture there…but it’s darned worth it for the free cookies!
Who would buy something like this? A pig with a serving tray. I guess you could use it to hold your free cookies and then see what you’re going to look like in a few years. That’s actually not a bad idea.
Sunny had a pretty rough week. On Tuesday, he went to the vet to get neutered. Turns out, one of his testicles never dropped and was way up in his abdomen, so the vet had to cut him all up to dig it out. This picture was taken later that night when he was still pretty Dazed and Confused. I felt so bad for the little guy that I let him rest in his regular spots under my desk and on this couch in my office. I’m kind of regretting it today, though. Even though it’s almost 5 days later, I continue to re-live the experience by the still lingering odor of surgery, dog guts, and swollen testicle juice. Guess that might be why Miss Sheri is jockeying for a new couch.
November 6, 2005
Friday night was spent seeing the new Sam Mendes movie, Jarhead. It was an intriguing portrayal of the life of a Marine as he participated in Operation Desert Shield and Desert Storm. Not the cheeriest movie I’ve ever seen, though. We’re pretty blessed to have the wonderful men and women that serve in our armed forces. Because if the country depended on guys like Shortarmguy to defend us, we’d be in some pretty serious trouble. The minute they asked me to wear one of those NBC suits in 120 degree heat, I’d be crying like a small child.
We spent the afternoon with our good friends Tim and Katie Ashland. I liked this photo of Tim and I in front of the big elephant, but felt the need to use the cropping tool after I discovered my belly looked bigger than Jumbo’s.
Avery had a very exciting day. After he was brave enough to tackle the big water slide, we had a difficult time pulling him away from it. Luke tried to muster the courage as well and climbed the two flights of stairs on 4 separate occasions, but he ended up walking down the stairs rather than launching down the tube. Oh, well. This was Luke’s first year to actually dunk his head under the water, so I guess we just have to take these things slow. Next year, I’m pushing him down the slide whether he wants to go or not! I’m sure that will end his fear!
October 30, 2005
Nor-tech had it’s annual Halloween party for the employee’s kids on Friday. Shortarmguy dressed like a clown for the festivities and received an amazing number of comments like the following “Hey, Todd. How come you didn’t wear a costume this year?” Funny co-workers.
Rambo paid a visit to the party. At first I thought it was Dave, one of our technicians who builds computers for Nor-tech. Then I heard that it was actually Sylvester Stallone. I guess he has now resorted to performing at children’s parties due to the fact that his pitch for Rocky 6 just isn’t going that well.
Earlier this week, we carved pumpkins at the Shortarmguy House. We had to do them a bit early for the boy’s Cub Scout Pack Meeting where there was a pumpkin carving contest. Luke enjoyed digging out the orange guts and asked if we could eat the seeds. So we cooked them and sprinkled them with salt and cinnamon. I must admit….they tasted like crap, cooked and sprinkled with salt and cinnamon.
Avery’s Pumpkin won Best In Show in the contest! There was nearly 50 pumpkins competing, so we thought that was pretty cool! Our design was inspired by some of the crazy emails now on display on Shortarmguy’s Halloween Page. Nothing like a little Pumpkin Puke to win over the judges!
October 23, 2005
One of the most beautiful times in Minnesota is the two to three week period when the leaves change color on the trees. It literally looks like God took a paintbrush and re-painted the landscape in rich hues of red, orange, and gold! Then the damned things fall off the trees and someone has to pick them up!
Lucky for Shortarmguy, he met a wonderful gal who grew up on a farm and seems to really enjoy raking leaves! When I returned home from work the other day, Miss Sheri had everything in the yard all bagged up! The next day, she was probably very excited to see that the trees dropped even more leaves so she could get to do the job all over again! I’m guessing she’s happy about it, but I’ve never had the balls to ask!
I don’t know how much help they are with the raking, but the boys sure seem to enjoy rolling around in the leaves and throwing them at Sunny. They even had their Minnesota cousins over this weekend so they could attack the dog from all four corners. I think they have finally tormented the dog long enough so that he is now scarred for life. Which makes him officially a part of the Shortarmguy Family.
On Monday, Shortarmguy spent the day at the Intel Channel Conference in Bloomington with Big Buddy Bob Dornik. We showcased Nor-tech’s new Voyageur Multi-Monitor system which is pretty cool for the fact that you can have a single desktop running on three or more monitors. So now you can have porn spread out as far as the eye can see….which is nice.
October 14, 2005
We had incredible weather in Minnesota this weekend. 60+ degrees in October makes us really enjoy this Global Warming phenomenon.
The Shortarmguy Family spent this beautiful Saturday on a wagon ride plodding through Minnesota Harvest’s Apple Orchard. We had a grumpy guy driving the tractor who kept yelling at people for picking apples in the wrong areas.
The tractor drove us over the river and through the woods, but stopped short of Grandma’s House. I asked the Grumpy Farmer if they were hiring, but he just kind of looked at me funny. I’m guessing they don’t hire many Short Armed Apple Pickers.
I think my employment chances were also slim because it doesn’t look like they hire many people from this side of the border. They even had a sign hanging in the Apple Sweat Shop reading Minne-Mexico! Even though I couldn’t get a new job, it sure was fun watching them sort all those apples!
The boys had a great time harassing the animals and eating caramel apples and apple pie. This horse was very nice to them, so they fed him some hay and tried to give him an apple which he refused. For some reason, he seemed to be sick of apples.
Saturday Night, we went on an old fashioned horse drawn hay ride with the boy’s Cub Scout Pack. We had a much happier driver who identified himself as Cowboy Wyatt, although he admitted that wasn’t his real name. He was a fun guy who kept screaming “Bum” at one of his horses who refused to walk straight. I asked Cowboy Wyatt if there were a lot of opportunities in his line of work and he told me “Well, I tried out for the Cowboy U, but they refused me because I was too qualified.” Honestly, I have no idea what the heck he was talking about, but he did give us a nice hay ride.
Shortarmguy’s sister, Tammy, and her husband, David, had a baby girl last Sunday, October 9th. Lindsay Rose decided to come to the world a few weeks early, but she and mom are now both home from the hospital and doing well! Congratulations to the Kelley Family!
October 8, 2005
I woke up cold the other morning! I looked at the handy, dandy thermometer hanging on our back porch door and it read 39 degrees Fahrenheit. Pretty cold. Time to winterize the dang boat and prepare for another fun Minnesota winter.
I called up my good friend, Shawn Nugent, at Circle Lake Sales in Faribault, Minnesota to help me with the boat. Sheri and I went down there with the boys on Thursday. I’m going to be honest with everyone here. I’ve never driven a vehicle with my boat attached. I’m a big scaredy cat and make my wife do it. She grew up on a farm and has a lot more experience hauling stuff…at least that’s how I justify it to myself.
There’s a group of really cool guys that hang out at Shawn’s place introduced to me by my old buddy, Randy Schoen. They’re very good to Shortarmguy even though my testosterone level isn’t quite in their league. If you live in or near Minnesota and are in the market for a new snowmobile or need help tweaking your current one for maximum performance, give Shawn a call at (507) 645-6183. I promise you won’t regret it.
Shortarmguy’s son, Avery, was our celebrity of the week when he appeared on local NBC affiliate, KARE 11’s What’s Cool In Our School. You can see the segment on their website here. The video will only be available until next Thursday…
This beautiful Hawk paid Sheri a visit the other day. He landed on the porch of our house and Sheri was able to snap this one picture before he flew off, presumably to kill and eat some poor defenseless creature.
October 2, 2005
I’m late with the update this week because we just came home from visiting Sheri’s family at the farm. Luke & Avery’s cousins, Karli and Joey, were baptized so we went down for the festivities which allowed Shortarmguy to get out and do a little manual labor.
Grandpa Larry was pretty excited when Shortarmguy woke up at 4am to combine the bean crop. All right, this isn’t entirely true. But Shortarmguy did go out and visit the men in the field, sweated in the hot sun while watching the boys get tractor rides, and watched them chop stuff up for a grueling half hour or so.
Saturday afternoon was spent watching the Iowa State/Nebraska Football Game. The two teams were undefeated going into the game, so many tears were flowing when Nebraska pulled out the victory in Double Overtime.
This photo epitomizes Sunny’s opinion of the Farm. You see, Grandma and Grandpa won’t let us bring dogs in the house any more, so he has to stay kenneled in the garage or tied up outside when we’re not with him. Our old dog, Rudy, used to be able to stay in the house, so poor Sunny really feels pooped upon.
September 18, 2005
Krazy Kory was in town this weekend to see some no-name band called U2 that was playing at the Target Center in Downtown Minneapolis. Kory broke free from his nose-bleed seats and snuck down right next to the stage to take this picture of the lead singer. I think he said his name is Boner.
On Saturday, we went to Shortarmguy’s new favorite restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings. Their slogan is Wings, Beer, Sports. I wish they’d change it to Tenders, Beer, Sports, because I’m not a big wings guy. Tenders are much easier to eat when you don’t have thumbs. I do like the Beer and Sports part, though.
For supper, we bought some nice steaks from the best meat market in town, Von Hanson’s Meat. Krazy Kory sure does love meat. Some guy walked by us while we were taking a picture with this cardboard cut-out which features their daily specials. I could tell by the look on his face that he thought it was a strange thing to do, but I also think secretly he wanted to be in the picture.
September 18, 2005
I started Shortarmguy.com about five years ago on a quest to be famous. This week, we took another step towards that goal when BJ Shea & the fine folks on Seattle’s Number One Rated Male Targeted Talk Show “The BJ Shea Experience“ discussed my site. Unfortunately, I was working during the show, so I wasn’t able to listen to what they had to say about me. A nice guy named Scott who works for Microsoft was listening to the show and emailed me to say they were talking about me. When I asked him if it was nice talk or were they bashing me, this was Scott’s response: “Good things, believe it or not. It’s “Radio for Guys” – and making lemons out of lemonade/turning disability into ability is VERY cool in the eyes of BJ and most of the listeners.”
I later received an email from their producer inviting me to be on the show the next time I’m in Seattle! How cool is that!! Not bad for a crazy, crippled guy out there trying to make a name for himself! Now I just have to figure out a business reason for going to Seattle so I can get Nor-tech to pay for the trip!
The Shortarmguy Family went to our first Prior Lake High School football game on Friday night and had quite a bit of fun. These nice young ladies were collecting money for Hurricane Katrina relief and generously agreed to pose for this photograph. I’m sure they thought I was some kind of weirdo. Unfortunately for Prior Lake, the boys lost their game 8 to 7 when Holy Angels scored a last minute touchdown and 2 point conversion.
Shortarmguy has ventured into coaching by taking on the Assistant Coach position for Luke and Avery’s soccer team. Things became a little crazy this week when the boy’s head coach was called away and Shortarmguy found himself coaching the team by himself for about a half hour! I guess it’s time to learn the difference between a Goal Kick and a Corner Kick!
September 11, 2005
This week, the Shortarmguy Family made a most exciting trip to buy groceries at the local Cub Foods.
I guess some might think my life is pretty lame if the grocery store is the most exciting place we went this week, but I disagree. It’s actually quite a fun trip. I especially enjoy watching people’s expressions as I’m sure they’re thinking “Why is that lady taking pictures of a weird, crippled dude in front of the peppers?” Why, indeed.
Jami in the bakery was a fantastic salesperson. When I walked up to her, I was simply considering buying 1 item. But by the time she was through with me, I ended up with three different kinds of pasta. After we completed our transaction, I asked Jami if I could take her picture. Although she was very nice and let me take the photo, I think she secretly thought I was some kind of freak. I’m guessing she doesn’t get that request very often.
We did do some other fun stuff this week as well. We took a family boat ride and all screamed at Sunny every time we thought he was going to leap into the water. Luke and Avery also recently started Cub Scouts and Soccer which officially has sucked up every remaining minute of free time we previously had.
Finally, I can’t forget this picture of my old buddy, Jimi Gilbertson. Jimi lives on the lake and he and his neighbors had their annual Labor Day weekend wild bash dubbed the “Death of Summer” party. Unfortunately for Jimi, a bee stung him on the foot which sent him to the hospital so he missed a bunch of the party. Dang bees!
September 4, 2005
It’s been a bit of a stressful week at the Shortarmguy Household. Shortarmguy’s father and step-mom live in Pass Christian, Mississippi. Thankfully, they evacuated before Katrina hit and are safe, but their home is destroyed and they’ve lost about 98% of their possessions. Odd to think that they’re among the lucky ones from this crazy storm.
The Shortarmguy Family has spent quite a few vacations in Gulfport. We’ve always stayed at the Grand Casino which is right on the beach. It was a really beautiful place. The picture of me on top was taken in one of their incredible pools.
The above photo was taken of the Grand Casino some time after Katrina hit. Luke and Avery loved going to play at the Kid’s Quest which is now seen in the middle of the street. Previously, it was part of a large barge connected to the casino.
This above photo was taken in July of 2004 in the lobby of one of the most glamorous casinos in Biloxi, The Beau Rivage. We never stayed there or anything, but just enjoyed walking through it to see the beautiful boats at their marina and the luxurious accommodations they offered their guests.
Below is a new photo of the same casino. They say the flooding reached the second floor…
August 28, 2005
There’s a Fair In The Air!
The Shortarmguy Family spent the day at the Great Minnesota Get Together. Every year, I can’t wait to go to the State Fair. This year that feeling lasted until about 5 minutes after we arrived. Then I couldn’t wait to go home.
One of the big traditions of the fair is to trap young girls in a spinning refrigerator while a lady carves a butter cube into an image of her head. I’ve never been there on the last day of the fair, but I think the girl has to come back and eat her own head whole. Seems kind of barbaric to me.
Yesterday’s attendance total was 171,503 people. I’m guessing today’s attendance doubled that. And every one of them was standing in line in front of me. Or bumping into me. It was a mad rush to get the opportunity to steal some cheese curds for only $6.00. What a great deal!
And for you doubters out there, the below picture is proof that Shortarmguy is The Lord of the Ducks.
August 21, 2005
Friday was Miss Sheri’s birthday. We went to Valley Fair to celebrate. Grandma Linda joined us to balance the height differential between us and our children.
Avery learned that he could catch mosquitoes in his mouth when the Carousel started going fast. He was up to 37 bugs before we told him that was slightly disgusting.
Luke’s doctors have told us we should avoid really big rides because of his heart condition. And as fate would have it, Luke loves crazy rides. The Scrambler seemed harmless enough until we actually started moving. Daddy is seen here feeling Luke’s chest to verify there’s no strange heart vibrations.
Wheeeeeee! Bring on the Wild Thing!
(That’s the roller coaster shown in the top photo for you non-Minnesotans.)
The Shortarmguy And The Dude Show
Have we jumped the shark before we ever even resembled a good show? It’s quite possible.
This week’s show finds us discussing high gas prices, Demi Moore’s career, and Jennifer Connelley’s strange sex habits.
August 14, 2005
On Thursday, Minnehaha Lanes in St Paul was the destination of choice. Shortarmguy knows that Bowling is the key ingredient to a Happy Life.
Bowling. Where else can you wear fluorescent shoes and look hot? Where else can you discuss how much your balls weigh with a straight face?
Young Nick Forga is the Master Bowler who won free bowling for all his Nor-tech co-workers. Nick has averaged over 200 in the past three bowling seasons thus qualifying him for the Professional Bowler’s Association (PBA). Shortarmguy bowled a 57 thus qualifying him for the Special Olympics as a First Alternate.
The Shortarmguy And The Dude Show wrapped our third episode this week. It’s my favorite of the three. I’ll be honest in my assessment of our progress here….it’s slow, but building a little momentum. Each week, I think we’ve done a little better than the previous….although we have a long way to go before we can call it Good! If we start going backwards, than we’re pulling the plug on this bad boy!
This week’s show covered Iron Mike Tyson’s budding porn career as well as Marilyn Monroe’s taped revelations.
August 6, 2005
It was Lakefront Days this week in Prior Lake.
Corn on a stick for everyone!
The kids love to do the Shortarmguy pose. Which is why I had to beg them for 5 minutes to stand like this….”Really guys, it will make a cool picture.”
“Dad, you’re such a weirdo!”
Randy Schoen joined us for the fun and brought along his Main Squeeze, Cindy! Later, Miss Sheri and Cindy showed the men the proper way to eat Corn On The Cob, but the photos were deemed inappropriate for a Family Web Site like this one.
And what’s a festival without a little Gladiator Competition. Shortarmguy encountered a very tough lady by the name of Sue….
She thrashed Shortarmguy in battle. In hindsight, she might not have said her name was Sue, but she might have said she was a member of The Fighting Sioux.
If the Fighting Sioux Reference is too obscure, you can learn more about them here. They’re a tough bunch of Native Americans who basically kicked butt in their day. Due to new NCAA regulations, I will not be able to make this reference during playoffs, bowl games, or championships and she’ll have to go back to being just “Fighting Sue” at that time.
Shortarmguy and JJ Fad did our second show this week. I’ve gained a new respect for people who do talk radio for a living! It’s really tough stuff trying to be funny and interesting for an extended period of time! I did like this week’s show better than last week’s, but we still have quite a bit of work to do on the format. Check it out if you’re bored and want to hear me Rap, sing Metallica as well as songs from The Sound of Music!
July 31, 2005
Shortarmguy was jumping for joy this week because he was able to miss a day of work and travel down to Rock Rapids, Iowa for the Timmerman Family Reunion!
This is an annual trek for the Shortarmguy family which gives us a great opportunity to spend some time getting wild and crazy with members of Miss Sheri’s family.
Some of Miss Sheri’s relatives actually visit Shortarmguy’s website thus the pose sported by Cousin Jay from New Mexico. Luckily, no relatives have told Miss Sheri’s parents that their son-in-law is really a sick and twisted pervert. Yet.
We spent time having a picnic, golfing, swimming, riding go-karts, and plotting world domination. I put a bunch more pictures from the event here. But I’m certain that if you’re not a member of the Timmerman Family, the pictures will bore you to tears. So visit the page with caution, please.
Shortarmguy and JJ Fad launched our premiere Podcast this week. It’s still a little rough around the edges as we experiment with the format, but we’ll be adding new shows weekly and I’m confident we’ll find our groove soon. Or I will start crying live on the air.
July 25, 2005
It was a hot week in Minnesota with the temperatures hovering in the nineties. So the Shortarmguy Family spent as much time as possible getting wet and being in the water.
On Tuesday night, the boys helped their daddy with one of his prospective business proposals. We unfortunately discovered that selling “Swimming Helmets” is not going to be our million dollar idea.
Krazy Kory came into town on Friday night. After meeting our new Golden Retriever, “Sunny”, a strange desire developed. Kory was down on all fours, chasing the dog around like this almost the entire time he was here. Fortunately for all of us, our puppy’s Innocence remains intact.
Krazy Kory also drug Shortarmguy to Mystic Lakes Casino while he was in town. Unfortunately for us, our Rock Star parking was the only good thing going for us as we both ended up making yet another installment payment to the Indian’s prosperity program!
July 17, 2005
So on Friday, I’m sick as a dog fighting a nasty cold virus. I was in a bit of a dilemma because it was Nick Rahman‘s 30th birthday and I was supposed to go to his surprise party. I tried to back out, but the guys twisted my little arm a bit. So I figured I’d go for a quick appearance and than leave.
We took Nick to Hooters for a quick drink and than to the 1200 Club where he was shocked silly by his adoring girlfriend and friends. We ate, had a beer, and I was then contemplating how to leave the club without getting crap.
It was the boys 6th birthday on Thursday, so we had a birthday bash with a big Spiderman jumper and slide in the backyard.
It’s weird for me to think that my boys are already six years old.
Luke called me into his room at about 10PM on Wednesday night. Avery was sleeping. Luke looks up at me and says “Dad, do you know this is the last time you’ll ever see me 5 years old?” I thought that was pretty cute. Then he topped it the next morning. I woke the boys up before I went to work by singing Happy Birthday to them rather loudly. Luke looks up at me through groggy eyes and says in all seriousness, “I don’t feel any different!” You just gotta love the Innocence of Kids!
That was when I bumped into my new nemesis, Marky Mark Babbage aka “The Babbage Patch Kid”. Somehow, the conversation turned to beer slugging contests. I don’t think either one of us was really in the mood for a challenge, but my silly co-workers got wind of the talk and started taunting us to go one on one. I was feeling sick as a dog, but have never been one to back down from an invitation like this. So two beers were ordered, slammed, and a little controversy erupted about who the winner should be. Naturally, the only way to solve the controversy would be to repeat the challenge. I protested saying I was in no shape to slug two beers in a row and of course the taunts continued. Finally, Sean mentioned that he would tape the challenge for Shortarmguy.com and How could I pass up an opportunity like that? The video can be seen here. Unfortunately, we ended in a tie. About that time, Miss Sheri, called and asked why I wasn’t home yet. The last time I’d spoken with her, I said I was feeling too sick to stay at work and would be coming home early. Needless to say, she was a bit Surprised herself when she discovered I was in competition mode. There would be no rematch for Shortarmguy and The Babbage Patch Kid on that night.
But we will meet again some day my friend….
Clear Lake High School — Class of 1986
My old college roommate, John “Hammerhead” Finstad, asked me to post some information regarding your 20 year class reunion.
It will be July 3-4, 2006.
For more details, email me at email@example.com and I will send you John’s contact info.
Shortarmguy and Dr. Bollig spent Thursday at the event setting up our booth and then having meetings where we were grilled by Microsoft Executives. I guess they could sense we really have a way with the ladies and wanted to see if they could get some good tips.
Later that evening, the Microsoft System Builder Team took us and some other customers to eat on the top floor of the IDS Tower, the tallest building in downtown Minneapolis. I’ve got to be honest with you. That was as High as I’ve been in a long time.
On Saturday, Shortarmguy spent the day attending various meetings and classes, basically drinking the Microsoft Kool- Aid. Between sessions, I bumped into the internationally famous Technology Journalist, Charlie Demerjian. He writes for the Inquirer and is well known throughout the computer hardware industry. Charlie always walks around like he’s being chased by men in black suits, but is still willing to give me the inside skinny regarding dirty laundry at some of the most powerful companies on the planet!
Sunday morning was spent listening to the Wisdom of Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. Shortarmguy was fascinated what he had to say, but slightly disappointed that he didn’t do the Dance Sequence he’d heard so much about and can be seen here. He did yell out a few “Whooos!” and jumped around a little bit. Which was nice!
July 3, 2005
Shortarmguy and Family spent the weekend in Clear Lake, Iowa with Krazy Kory, the Sugarman, and Jammin’ Jason Davis. It was our annual golf trip at Oak Hills Golf Course where Shortarmguy learned how to swing a golf club. Krazy Kory impressed the group when he just missed a birdie putt to par the course. Unfortunately, he and I were playing this particular game for money so I left the course a bit poorer. But we had a swell time anyways.
We spent the evening in Downtown Clear Lake wrestling with carnies and paying too much money for the kid’s to go on some very dirty rides. I think I’m going to start a business on the side selling antiseptic wipes at the exit gate of the kid’s jumper, slide, and everything else the children roll around in where 3000 kids have been before. I’ll make a killing!!!
Luckily for Shortarmguy, most of the arrest warrants that were issued when he was a teenager have now expired. So he can finally show his face in his hometown again without worry of a beat down by the local police force.
June 26, 2005
It’s Summertime! So it’s time to mingle with the community and have strangers wonder who exactly is this weirdo having pictures taken of himself with his funny arms held high in the air.
Wednesday night was spent in Jordan, Minnesota at the Minnesota Valley Electric Company‘s annual customer appreciation event. It was here that I showed the boys the proper way to mount Spiderman which is seen in the top photo as well as scare the life out of all of us by riding the cherry picker high into the air. Plus, we leeched free food, rides, and prizes from our local utility… What beats that on a Summer Wednesday?
On Friday, Miss Sheri’s parents came to visit for the weekend. They’re authentic Iowa hog farmers and I don’t believe them to be real strong swimmers. So naturally we had to terrorize them with their first boat ride. They said they had a great time and I only found small holes in the leather seats where their fingernails gripped on for dear life. So that wasn’t too bad.
On Saturday, we spent the evening in Savage, Minnesota for their annual Dan Patch Days Festival. We danced to the beats of one of our favorite local bands, Casablanca Orchestra and chewed on the treats from many local restaurants. We also bought a crapload of tickets thinking the boys could use them for some of the rides and animal attractions. Little did we know that all that stuff was going to close 5 minutes after we bought them! So unfortunately, Shortarmguy suffered through spending all the extras on beer…
June 19, 2005
Chaos in Shortarmguyville as sister Tammy stays for the past week with her family. Every time the boy’s cousins are at our house for an extended period, I think I need to get them a Ritalin prescription because they get so hyper! But rather than going through the hassles of getting a doctor involved, we just gave them some extra doses of NyQuil. It seemed to do the trick!
We spent last weekend at the Schoen’s cabin in Longville, Minnesota. It rained most of the time, but we were able to sneak in a few sessions of swimming, boating, and fishing. Naturally, sunshine filled the skies the day Shortarmguy returned to work which looked very nice from the office window.
On Thursday night, we went to the graduation celebration of young Annie Hanson. Annie is 18, blonde, and beautiful, so obviously she’s obsessed with Shortarmguy.
And since we didn’t have enough stress in our lives, we decided to pile on a little more by buying a new Golden Retriever Puppy named Sunny. This new little bit of Sunshine in our lives comes complete with razor sharp teeth and claws, an uncanny ability to soil the floor the moment we turn our heads, and a squeal like a tornado siren when he feels like he’s been in his kennel too long….usually at about 3 or 4am. Other than that, he’s cute as a button and seems to like his new home and family. I’m confident he’ll make good eatin’ some day.
June 11, 2005
Insanity in the Shortarmguy household this week as we hosted my nieces, Bailey and Mallory, who are visiting this week from Dallas, Texas. The girls were great, but Luke and Avery have discovered how funny it is to use potty language to shock their cousins. Daddy finds it pretty funny too.
The highlight of the week was on Tuesday when Luke and Avery graduated from kindergarten. In the days leading up to the event, I kept thinking about Mr. Incredible complaining to his wife that attending a young child’s graduation ceremony was nothing more than a “celebration in mediocrity”. But since I love my boys dearly, I dutifully attended the event with camera and video camera in hand ready to cheer on the fact that my sons had advanced from the letter K to the number 1 in the K-12 system. Of course, the teachers had made the event very exciting for the children. They had every bell and whistle covered from the Pomp and Circumstance music to the cardboard caps all the way to the adorable “diplomas” decorated with a picture of each child in the full cap and gown attire. The teachers called each child on stage one at a time and told the audience what the child wanted to be when they grew up and also their favorite moment from school that year. Luke was up first and drew a pleasant cheer from the audience when they were told that his goal in life was to be a Daddy! Later, when it was Avery’s turn, the audience wasn’t quite as excited to hear the fact that Avery wanted to be “a builder” when he was Big. I was pretty pumped, though, because I thought that meant he’s going to be rich and of course he’ll share the money with me, won’t he? After the event was over, we mingled for awhile before I was compelled to get back to work. Right before I left, one of the teacher’s who’d worked closely with Luke grabbed me to tell me a story from that morning. She said another teacher was talking to her about the graduation and remembered the Star Tribune article about Luke and Avery from the first day of school. (If you haven’t seen the article, you can read it here.) She told me the other teacher actually had tears in her eyes while talking about it! When I drove back to work, I smiled to myself. I was actually pretty happy. You know, some days, Life can feel like it just wants to sock you in the gut. But on this Tuesday morning in June, I felt truly blessed to be able to celebrate mediocrity!!
June 5, 2005
Krazy Kory was in town this weekend for a little bit of fun as well as to take his boy, Ben, to see the Minnesota Twins get beat by the New York Yankees on Saturday night.
We had great fun on the lake, even though we were pelted with rain. For some reason, Kory always insists on taking a picture of Shortarmguy with his chest and belly exposed like seen above. Krazy Kory has some issues I’m afraid.
We thought it might be fun to take the Minnesota Light Rail train to the Metrodome to see the game. Big mistake. The train was absolutely packed and Shortarmguy had to put the little arms to heavy work trying to protect Miss Sheri and the boys from being crushed by the crowd of people.
The game was a Sell-Out as well, so we couldn’t escape the massive amount of people situation. Krazy Kory used his connections to get us some incredible seats in the 21st row of the upper deck. We nearly ran out of tissues taking care of all the bloody noses. Shortarmguy isn’t much of a baseball fan, but the kids had fun. That’s supposedly pretty important.
May 28, 2005
Shortarmguy and Miss Sheri went to see Star Wars III this week and were extremely pleased. It was an excellent film and bridged the two trilogies brilliantly! We’ve always been huge Star Wars fans and nearly named our twin children, Luke and Leia, but Avery was lucky to be born a boy so they could escape that humiliation!
We saw the movie in style in a VIP Suite with some of our buddies from Clear Lake, Iowa. It was a pretty slick arrangement because we could party before the movie with good food and drink and then watch the film in our own fancy, reclining seats surrounded by friends rather than annoying strangers! The Plexiglas window was a bit of a pain, but there were special speakers so the sound was phenomenal!
And of course, no Star Wars experience is complete without injecting a bit of The Force inside you before the show!
Our good friends, The Hornbuckles, hosted the event as a birthday present to their son, Jon. They’re quite a couple and actually walk around this way whenever they’re together.
Miss Sheri was able to go along on the event which was very nice. This was her first adult vacation since the boys were born. Luke and Avery also had fun staying at home by themselves for 4 nights. Some people think that 5 years old is too young to stay alone, but things worked out all right once I showed them how to bypass the parental controls on the satellite TV. I don’t think they left the television the entire time we were gone!
Sheri and I spent time by the pool and even visited the San Diego Zoo. Shortarmguy kept zoologists busy contemplating whether or not they needed to make some revisions to the evolutionary chain.
Shortarmguy spent some quality time with Eric, our Microsoft representative. On this particular night, I discovered one of the most dangerous phrases known to man.
“Double Vodka Red Bull”
I was also fortunate enough to spend some time with Bill, our former Microsoft rep. Bill left us when he was promoted to be an official Microsoft Big Shooter. He’s now so important that I had to pay $200 to get this photo taken with him!
My favorite part of the trip was Wednesday night. They took us to a club in downtown San Diego called On Broadway. It’s a very hip place and best of all, they have karaoke with a really good live rock band. Shortarmguy was pretty intimidated to go on stage for a couple of reasons. One is that I can’t sing. Two is that the place was packed with literally hundreds of Microsoft executives and customers. But the inviting draw of a Microphone is just too tempting for Shortarmguy, so I conquered my fears and stepped in there.
May 15, 2005
Since Luke and Avery are now in tee ball, I figured I’d better go see Will Ferrell’s new movie, Kicking and Screaming. The movie gave me good tips on how to be a better coach for my kids. They especially liked the lesson on how to play dirty, but don’t get caught.
Many of you will remember what my boys have been through to get to this stage in life. If you’re new to my site, you can read a good story about them here.
Because of their life challenges, I’ve been a little paranoid they’d have difficulty keeping up with the other kids in sports. So far, though, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at their ability to play ball. They seem to be doing just fine hitting, catching, and throwing the baseball. Stamina hasn’t really been that big of an issue, but attention span problems have reared their ugly head.
During the first practice of the season, Avery was at bat hitting the ball. I was impressed with the distance he was getting! I then walked out to check on Luke in the outfield. As I arrived, the coach was talking to the boys offering them some fielding tips, when suddenly Luke shouts “Look, there’s a tarantula!” At least 4 or 5 little boys stopped listening to the coach and started crawling around the ground near Luke’s feet seeking a peek at the monster spider. After a minute of the boys not finding anything, Luke bellowed out “Just Kidding!”
It was one of my proudest moments as a father!
Current enemy, Nick Rahman, screwed me once again! Many of you will remember that he promised to get me pictures with Anthony Bonsante who can be seen currently on NBC’s The Contender. Nick dates Anthony’s ex-wife so he went to watch his latest fight at a big party in Shakopee. Of course, Nick didn’t get an invite for his old buddy, Shortarmguy. Perhaps it was for the best, though, because Anthony was knocked out in the fight. He really looked like he was going to win, but Jesse Brinkley delivered a crushing blow to the skull which pretty much ended it. Tony still might get to fight once again if he gets voted to by the fans. Vote For Anthony To Fight Here. It’s too bad there’s not a place where I could vote for Anthony to fight Nick!
May 8, 2005
My silly cable modem is out tonight because of a thunderstorm, so who knows when I’ll get this update uploaded to the internet! Sorry for the delay, folks!
Shortarmguy spent the past 4 days in Longville, Minnesota for a Crappie Fishing Trip with Randy Schoen and some of his buddies. I explored Woman Lake unlike she’s ever been explored before!
When I left Nor-tech on Thursday, my funny co-workers sent around a photo of me and a fish from last year’s trip and titled it “Fishing Day at Camp Courage”.
They’re such good friends of mine.
And of course, I proved them to be right on target. Four fingers and fishing really aren’t a match made in Heaven. On my first fishing pole, I kept screwing up my casts. I eventually tangled up the line so badly that we had to scrap the whole pole. Good Ole Randy tried to console me by telling me that “that reel just had bad line. Don’t worry about it.” Uh Huh. My second pole was going much better once I figured out that there was a trigger I was supposed to hold down when tossing the line. Then I got that one stuck so bad in the weeds, that Randy had to come help me pull it loose.
He ended up snapping the top of the pole right off. I think he was really enjoying being my camp counselor by this time! Lucky for me, I ended up figuring out my third pole pretty good and was able to complete about 60 % of my casts for the rest of the trip. My other 40% only traveled about 5 feet in front of me at which point I would shout to the world in my best Special Ed Voice:
“Yayyyyyyy!! I’m Fishing!!!”
Apparently, the Shortarmguy disease spreads with too much contact with me. After only 3 or 4 hours on the boat together, Randy, Scott, and Torre were stuck in this pose for the rest of the day.
Mark and Neal stayed as far away from me as they could. The Shortarmguy Disease was their excuse, but the rest of us secretly suspected there were ulterior motives. Our concerns were raised even higher when they arrived back at the cabin, turned to each other and chanted “If The Boat Is A’Rockin’, Don’t Come A’Knockin’!” Then they’d high five each other and giggle like school-girls.
And of course, no fishing trip is complete without a visit to our old friends at Fat Jack’s in Bock, Minnesota. Sure, there’s fully nude ladies gallivanting about, but this place has absolutely incredible hamburgers. That’s the main reason we go there. It’s a very surreal experience. It’s a tiny, little town in Northern Minnesota and Fat Jack’s appears to be the only restaurant around. I was amazed at the large number of older couples that were there enjoying their Thursday night supper never-minding the dancers milling around them. Later in the night, Shortarmguy met a very nice lady named Evie who had an exotic tattoo covering half of her face. We discussed the fine art of being different from everyone else. I told her about Shortarmguy.com and she genuinely wanted to have her picture taken with me for the site, but the bouncer shot us down. He chastised me for even thinking about it and growled “No pictures inside the club!”
It’s a sad day when Shortarmguy.com is considered too sleazy for a strip club.
April 30, 2005
It was a better week in Shortarmguyville. On Sunday, the boys, Sheri, and I conquered our fears of smashing the propeller by taking the boat out again. The depth finder Randy installed worked like a charm. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to confront the rock who caused us such pain only a couple weeks ago. I felt my blood boil as I floated by the spot of the attack. Sheri had to physically restrain me on the boat so I didn’t dive into the water to challenge that little jerk. But some day, I vow to get my vengeance on that brutal Prop Killer!!
On Friday night, we went out with some co-workers to wish a Bon Voyage to Deb Hanson who’s leaving Nor-tech to pursue a career in a different field. I believe she said she was going into Sheep Herding, but I can’t remember for sure. Deb’s nephew, Mike, sat by her side the entire night frozen in this proud pose. Young Mike is available and a damn good looking kid in my opinion. So all you single ladies visiting this site should send me an email so I can hook you up! You won’t regret it!
Shortarmguy is seen here with Nor-tech Vice President, Jeff Olson, and Known Enemy, Mark Donovan. Although Donovan still harbors some bitterness against Shortarmguy for putting him in prison a few years back, he swears he’s turned over a new leaf and now spends most of his free time writing gospel music.
The partying went into the wee hours of the night and, as usual, ended on the floor of the bar when Shortarmguy and Vice President Olson decided to engage in a tournament based on a form of combat known as leg wrestling. Olson narrowly won the match 3-2.
Miss Sheri debuted her new hairstyle to rave reviews. Shortarmguy dug himself a pretty deep hole shortly before entering the bar when he called his wife, Butch. Lucky for him, she received several compliments throughout the night which made her forget all about her insensitive husband.
April 24, 2005
Saturday afternoon was spent at Chuck E Cheese celebrating Andy Schoen’s eighth birthday. Andy is a little Hockey Stud who scored four goals in his game shortly before his party started. Happy Birthday, Andy!!
Chuck E Cheese is a very interesting place. When you walk in the door, they stamp your hand with what I’m guessing is a secret Pagan Symbol which seems to identify which kid you get to take home. I think they’re really marking people for a future ritualistic ceremony and Shortarmguy will soon be sacrificed on the Altar of the Chuck.
There has to be something weird going on because everyone in the place seems in a trance. The kids are bouncing off the walls high on a mixture of bad pizza, video games, token greed, and ticket envy and then a big rat appears out of nowhere chasing them around expecting love.
The adults are no better off. They’re all cross-eyed trying to track their children through a maze of lights while their ears ring with screams, yells, bells, dings, dongs, cries, and shrieks. No wonder they serve booze. It’s the only way some parents can survive the place.
My personal theory is that Chuck E Cheese is funded by the gambling industry. It’s a training ground teaching children the joys of playing games wagering scarce tokens in hopes of winning a big amount of tickets that can be used to buy prizes. It’s hard to tell the difference between some of the games here from some of the games at casinos and the sounds are almost identical. Pretty soon, they’ll add slot machines and blackjack tables to the floor and everyone will go nuts!
I’d like to bet all my piggy bank on red, please!
April 17, 2005
April 17, 2005
Not too much excitement happening this week. Shortarmguy’s old buddy, Randy Schoen, came over to replace last week’s busted propeller and install a depth finder so Shortarmguy can take the boat out to do battle with The Rock again! See last week’s diary entry for more details.
Besides getting my boat fixed, the rest of the week was relatively uneventful. So I did what I normally do and obsessed over who’s visiting Shortarmguy.com. I have a couple of different sites for tracking statistics, but my favorite is Extreme Tracking which you can see by clicking here. With this site, I can see how many visitors the home page of my web site gets every day along with some useful information like what country they’re visiting from, what their IP address is, and what search term they used to find my site. Which brings me to my story.
On Wednesday, April 13th at about 9:00 PM, I saw this entry.
|13 Apr, Wed, 19:12:04 (9:12PM CST)||MSN Search: sexy men|
Now I found this kind of interesting. My first thought was “If a person types in the phrase “Sexy Men” into MSN’s search tool, they’ll find my site?” Well, that makes sense! So I verified it, and sure enough, Shortarmguy.com was listed about 9 or 10 pages in. It was site number 82 under this search at that time.
Now two thoughts really stuck with me.
The first thought was, who was the perverted person who was looking for websites about Sexy Men and actually kept looking through 9 pages of search terms until they finally discovered my website. Were they pleased when they found my site? How did they express this pleasure?
The second thought was, MSN thinks I’m the 82nd sexiest man on the planet? They must think that. There’s billions of websites out there and I know Microsoft has dumped millions and millions of dollars into making the MSN Search tool one of the most accurate finders of information available. And this tool says when it comes to Sexy Men, Shortarmguy is number 82 in the world?
I can live with that designation!
April 10, 2005
So it’s early April and we’ve been experiencing unseasonably warm weather in Minnesota this week. I thought it was the perfect time to take out my new boat which I bought at the end of the season last year. I don’t have a good picture of the boat yet, but this is the same one except mine is blue, not red.
Since the ice went out on Prior Lake last Tuesday, I was dying to get it out as quickly as I could. So Friday night, Sheri, Luke, Avery, and I along with a couple of co-workers took it out for this spring’s maiden voyage . Now I’ve only had the thing out on the water a few times, so I’m still a bit of a freak about driving it. And halfway into our trip, I discovered why I need to be! Since the boating season is so young, Prior Lake officials haven’t had a chance to put out buoys marking rocks yet. Well, I can help them locate at least one big one.
The boulder that chopped up my brand new propeller!!
This weekend I got Stoned in a really bad way!!
I vow revenge on that craggy, crust-dwelling, pebble-envy ridden, lacking of any good minerals, coral-reef wannabe!!
I will crush you, Rock. I will crush you.
April 3, 2005
On Friday night, Shortarmguy, wife and co-workers hung out at The 1200 Club in Burnsville, Minnesota. It’s a dance club in a bowling alley which seems to have more strict rules than patrons. We entered the club and sat down on the far side. Since we had quite a few people, we re-arranged some chairs to accommodate our group. Management freaks out and comes over to instruct us that we can’t move any chairs. When I inquire “Why?”, they respond that they need to keep it handicap accessible. I responded “Don’t worry about it! I was able to get to my chair just fine.” That didn’t work. They responded that the fire marshal forces them to keep a minimum of a 3 foot aisle so wheelchairs can pass through. That made sense, so we moved our chairs back. Later, I was snapping pictures of some friends when a different security guard came over to instruct me that cameras weren’t allowed in the club. I was pretty annoyed at this point and asked “Are we in Russia? This is still the United States, right? Why can’t I have my camera?” They responded with some bullshit that some pictures had been used in a lawsuit against them, therefore cameras were no longer permitted. I told the guy I’d put it away until I was ready to go home and he could kick me out at that point. I sat down and stewed in my chair for awhile…then when the waitress came, I exclaimed to her that there was no damned way a wheelchair could get through the room and I wanted to speak with the management. Apparently, my argument wasn’t effective, because he never came to speak with me. When I saw him later, I started yelling that I measured the aisle and it was a couple of inches short! There’s no damn way a wheelchair could get through there!!! He just kept walking and didn’t respond. My guess is that he was lost in thought wondering why his club was so empty. Shortarmguy’s Advice: Stop acting like you’re a hall monitor who’s been asked to guard high school detention and start treating customers as invited guests to your party. Maybe your club will fill up, then!
Ben and Jay were out celebrating their relationship. They’ve decided to start a business together selling ice cream since their names are so similar to Ben and Jerry’s. The first flavor they’re launching the business with is called “Creamy Love” although they’ve decided to keep the ingredients secret.
No matter how many times Sean sees Ben and Jay cuddle, he just can’t refrain from giggling.
Nick thinks he’s perfected imitating the sculpted good looks of Shortarmguy, but we all know he’s just a Wannabe.
Nick’s girlfriend, Tonya Bonsante, was there. She and Nick keep promising an introduction to Tonya’s ex-husband, Boxer Anthony Bonsante, who is currently seen on the NBC Series, The Contender. They keep promising to set up a meeting between us, but it isn’t happening quickly enough for Shortarmguy’s satisfaction. Come on, guys! The world wants to see a picture of the two of us together!
March 27, 2005
I love The Mall Of America! It’s like Minnesota’s own Disney World. The Shortarmguy family visits frequently for family fun events and to view the latest in Gangster attire.
Shortarmguy’s old buddy, Ron “Sugarman” Myers was in town to celebrate Easter with his wife, Kristie, and their 5 month old son, Lance. So we had to make a visit to the Mall…
One of my favorite things to do at Camp Snoopy is to stop by the Shooting Gallery. It’s a neat little attraction that doesn’t seem to draw a tremendous number of visitors. In order to play, you enter some coins and pick up a gun that shoots bursts of light at little targets scattered throughout. When you hit a target, you’ll be rewarded with a sound or movement from one of the props. For instance, when you shoot the bear he perks up and lets out a big growl. Now the reason that this is one of Shortarmguy’s favorite stops at the Mall is because of something he figured out a few years ago. It seems that the targets aren’t activated only by the light from the gun. As a matter of fact, if you walk up to the Gallery and take a photograph with the Flash on, you’ll hit every target at the same time! There’s nothing better than walking up on somebody who’s desperately aiming to hit one of the little targets and jolting them with every target being hit at the same time! The noise level is somewhere between a fire alarm and an ambulance siren. Plus, everything starts convulsing in rapid animatronic movement! By doing this, Shortarmguy has made more than 1 unsuspecting soul poop his pants!
Now That’s Funny!
March 20, 2005
Shortarmguy and JJ Fad spent the week at the Intel Solutions Summit in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s a show that Intel puts on for their Premier Providers to shower them with love and teach them about new products and programs for 2005.
Shortarmguy hung out with Nor-tech’s lovely Intel Sales Representative, Ratika, and her boss, Jake. They’re a great couple of people!
Naturally, Shortarmguy drank himself into oblivion nightly which as usual caused him to act obnoxious and do some stupid things. This helps Shortarmguy in his quest for career mediocrity!
At last year’s ISS, Shortarmguy met a great guy from Dallas, Texas who goes by the name of Byron Hay. They hit it off quite nicely and Shortarmguy told Byron about his website, something he typically doesn’t reveal to people in his professional life.
Apparently, Byron visited Shortarmguy.com shortly afterwards and a strange thing happened to him. His arms shot up in the Shortarmguy pose and he’s been walking around like this ever since!
Sorry about that, Byron!!!!
March 13, 2005
Sheri and I took Luke and Avery to a Minnesota Swarm game on Friday night. I’d never been to a Lacrosse game before and was impressed with the size of the crowd in attendance. Apparently many people enjoy watching grown men wearing hockey gloves and helmets up top and little biker shorts down on the bottom flinging balls around a field .
Although it was a little weird being in the Xcel Energy Center and not seeing a Wild Hockey Game, the boys loved it and I guess that’s what’s important. That and seeing guys beating each other with big sticks.
March 6, 2005
Shortarmguy and his lovely wife, Sheri, went out drinking with some friends on Friday night. Shortarmguy partied hard by guzzling two enormous 6-foot tall beer bongs with Co-worker and known enemy, Nick Rahman.
Also in attendance was Future Enemy in Training, Sean Quinlin. Mr. Quinlan is also a co-worker of Shortarmguy’s who has created many of the “Tard Bashing” works of art that have appeared on this website from time to time. Mr Quinlan insists that he has nothing against the mentally challenged and doesn’t attack Shortarmguy because of his disability. He maintains the stance that because of Shortarmguy’s behavior around the office such as constantly singing loudly in falsetto voices and other goofball antics, Shortarmguy deserves the title “Retard”.
He once again achieved a mighty Zinger against Shortarmguy this week when he emailed all of the salespeople this link with the subject line “Tard’s New Pet”. The accompanying sound the animal is making was heard blaring from many speakers around Nor-tech shortly afterwards.
The most interesting topic of discussion on Friday night was with Nick’s girlfriend, Tonya Bonsante. Tonya is a wonderful lady who Nick has been dating for the past couple of years. It seems that Tonya’s ex-husband is a boxer by the name of Anthony Bonsante who will be seen on the new NBC Series, The Contender. This show is sure to be a Smash Hit Reality Series since it is produced by Sylvester Stallone and Mark Burnett, the same guy who made Survivor and The Apprentice.
Now Shortarmguy hasn’t met Tony Bonsante yet, but Tonya has promised to arrange a meeting. If I were a betting man, this is how I’d wager things will play out. Shortarmguy and Tony will instantly hit it off and Tony will advance to the final match of the series. He’ll invite Shortarmguy to attend the fight, which naturally will happen. During the match, something really nasty happens between Sylvester Stallone and Shortarmguy and the two start taunting each other. One thing leads to another and soon, Rocky and The Half Armed Bandit are duking it out in the Squared Circle! The series will dramatically end with Stallone being knocked out and The Little Crippled Arm being held high in the air in victory. Of course, the crowd will be going nuts chanting Shortarmguy! Dim the Lights.
Greatest Television Show In History!!!
February 27, 2005
They’re calling it the best hotel in the world. I must admit, every time I look at it, I’m fascinated. A few months ago, Tiger Woods hit golf balls from the structure’s incredible helipad. Recently, Roger Federer and Andre Agassi practiced for a tennis tournament on the same unusual playing field.
The hotel is called Burj Al Arab and it’s in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. The building itself is over 1000 feet tall making it only 16% shorter than the Empire State Building! It features the tallest atrium in the world, an underwater restaurant accessible via submarine, and room rates starting at $1000 per night!
Shortarmguy.com has had quite a visitors from the UAE this month with over 130 page views. Granted, I’ve had 43,000 page views from other parts of the world in the same period so that’s not a bunch. But there’s still something about Dubai that has been drawing my interest lately. I started thinking about the fascinating opportunities in this part of the world after email exchanges with Sojan who is the creator of the CBRAINS.com website. He works as a creative designer in Dubai.
So now I’ve added a trip to Dubai to my official Dreams List!
Some day, Shortarmguy will go there to take real pictures on the helipad of this magnificent structure! And then I’ll dive off the side and hopefully fly. All right, maybe not the second part.
February 21, 2005
This week’s photograph is from Tuesday night’s Minnesota Timberwolves game against the New Jersey Nets. It was Kevin McHale’s first victory as Head Coach of the Wolves after shit-canning Flip Saunders. If you look closely, you can see Kevin Garnett, Latrell Sprewell, Wally Szerbiak, McHale and several other players in the background. They were all clamoring to take a picture with Shortarmguy, but I told them to just stay focused on their game.
I’ve been going to Timberwolves games for about 10 years and one of my favorite things to do at the games is to go hang out around the locker room at half time. I think it’s cool to catch a behind the scenes glimpse of some Minnesota celebrities.
Not too much excitement happened on Tuesday.
I yelled “Mad Dog” as injured Forward Mark Madsen walked by and he smiled at me and exclaimed “Hey, Bud!” I always knew that Me and Mark are “Buds”! Now I have confirmation!!
I snapped this photo of team owner, Glen Taylor. He sure looked like a Grumpy Old Cuss that night. I’m guessing he was still a little sore that he was out-bid for buying the Minnesota Vikings
I thought this was an interesting photo of Kevin McHale. He kind of looks like Lurch from The Addams Family. By the way, is that a Doobie in his left hand? No wonder the team is playing more relaxed with McHale as coach!
February 13, 2005
Sheri and I celebrated our 11 year wedding anniversary yesterday.
I really can’t believe she’s put up with me for so long. I don’t know a tremendous amount of women who would be willing to take naked pictures of their husband holding nothing but a guitar, so he could post them on the internet so people can see what a freak he is. But Sheri does it with a smile. She’s an amazing woman who has just accepted the fact that her husband is a bit of a weirdo.
It does help that I understand her pretty well.
The other day, some buddies asked me to go out to a sporting event which would involve a little bit of boozing. Knowing I’d already done this two or three times in the past couple of weeks, I’d figured it was too much to ask and said No. They pushed me a little harder, so I asked Sheri, and she said I could go. But I knew better. I told the guys no again. Shortly before the event, Sheri and I saw them getting ready to go. They said “Last Chance.” And I said “No, it’s not a good idea.” Sheri piped up, “I told him he could go!” They looked at me slightly confused. I told them “She says I can go, but if I do…she’s going to be upset about it later.” When pushed, Sheri said I was probably right. We all had a laugh about this. One of my friends said, “See, this is the crap I don’t get about women. If my girlfriend were to tell me I could go, I’d assume it was ok….and then get in trouble about it later!”
Not me. I was raised by three women.
I’m fluent in the Female Language.
February 6, 2005
So Luke and Avery had a friend over yesterday…
They talked about him coming for days and were so excited when they woke up in the morning, they were actually counting the hours until he arrived. When the little boy showed up, they attacked him with their favorite 42 things they do at home and figured they could hit them all in the first 5 minutes he was here.
Things were going great and I eventually settled in to working on a project in the basement. When our young visitor entered the room, he looked up at me and said “I expected Avery’s Dad to be bigger.” I smiled at him and asked if his dad was a big guy which he replied yes and went back to playing. A short time later, I walked into the room where the three boys were sitting on the couch together. The little boy turned to Avery and said “Your dad has weird hands.” I looked at Avery who smiled at me with eyes that said “Yeah, dad, you do have weird hands.” And that was it…the subject never came up again. It was just a matter of fact observation from one 5 year old to another.
But this encounter really made me think.
Should I change my website to WeirdHandDad.com?
It just seems catchier.
January 30, 2005
We spent the weekend at the farm celebrating a late Christmas with the in-laws. Sheri snapped the above photo of me in the Hog Cage and I swear she liked the idea of having me live in there for a month or so. Maybe longer….
So we get back from our trip to discover that my cable modem is out of service for the 5th straight day! Don’t those sadists at Mediacom know that broadband is like oxygen for Shortarmguy? Isn’t a monopoly on local cable service enough for them? Do they have to repeatedly poke me with the proverbial stick of bad customer service? They’re making me crazy!! Oh sure, I could switch to DSL, or satellite, or God Forbid, back to dial-up. But the Robber Barons at Mediacom know I won’t do that. They have the best product. Cable Modems blow away every other type of broadband internet access. So they don’t need to worry about a minor little thing like taking care of their customers. Have a recorded message lie to me saying there are no known outages in my area, I’ll put up with it. Make me wait on hold for 20 minutes before I can talk to an “internet technician”, of course I’ll do that! Have the technician tell me for the 4th straight time that they’re doing everything they can to fix problem and I just need to be patient, I’ll just accept it and gladly pay exorbitant monthly rates to them for the Honor!
I am Mediacom’s Bitch.
January 22, 2005
Nor-tech was written about on the front page of the business section of Wednesday’s Minnesota Star Tribune. Many of you will remember Shortarmguy’s boss, David Bollig, from the Enemies List. He gets good marks in the article which are well deserved! Shortarmguy’s co-workers thought the above edit was appropriate from the original seen below. What the hell is their problem? It may be time to add a new enemy to the list…
January 15, 2005
This photo was taken of Shortarmguy at work this week.
Basically translated, Shortarmguy’s life was so lame this week that the most exciting picture we could take was in his office while he worked.
Shortarmguy is the Director of Marketing at a great company called Nor-tech which is one of the largest computer manufacturers in the Midwest.
One of the benefits of being chained to a desk at a computer company for 10 hours a day is that Shortarmguy gets to stumble across interesting little Cyber-Tidbits which he can post on his mildly popular website.
Shortarmguy is on a Quest to spring-board from his current life situation into a new life of financial independence spending his days developing funny and inspirational multimedia projects which can be enjoyed by an ever-expanding audience.
Progress Reports Will Be Posted Here.
January 8, 2005
It’s a week after New Year’s Day and I’ve already broken approximately 87% of my resolutions!
There’s an inherent problem with setting New Year’s Resolutions so quickly after Christmas. From Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, we go absolutely crazy preparing for the holiday. There’s Christmas Decorating and Christmas Shopping and Christmas Letters and Christmas Parties and Christmas Celebrations with family and friends. And then it’s done! You run and run and run and run like mad and then it’s done!
After all that running, we’re expected to recover rapidly to write our New Year’s resolutions? While still covered with Christmas Stress, we’re supposed to immediately evaluate our lives over the previous twelve months and decide a plan for corrective action? After weeks of binge eating and binge spending and binge caroling, we’re supposed to be motivated to install this Perfect New Life Plan?
I’d like to make a motion that the holiday of New Year’s Day and the act of creating Life Improving Resolutions be moved from January first to February first. This will give all of us an additional month to recover from our Santa Hangovers so we have the time to develop detailed plans of action and the energy to dedicate to making the plan a reality.
Any seconds for my motion?
January 1, 2005
Happy New Year!!!
I had a wonderful holiday season and hope you all did as well!
The Shortarmguy Family traveled down to Dallas, Texas for the Christmas Holiday to spend time with the Shortarmguy Sisters. We didn’t get too wacky, although we did slam a few beers at the Bowl-A-Rama in Rowlett, Texas. Our buddy, Darren, (who is pictured above) helped us with stuck balls, lane bumpers, and keeping our kids in check while we drunkenly neglected them . Darren was quite a trooper, which I’m sure is natural for a man who once worked an entire 60 lane bowling alley by himself and kept all the customers happy campers in the process!
February 6, 2005
I did create a page of photos of our Dallas Trip, although I’m not sure any of you would care to see them. They’re quite boring…
I’m looking forward to 2005!!! I really hope I can turn this site into something some day!! I wish you all the best for a successful and prosperous New Year!!!