Minnesota Science Museum, Twins Game, and State Fair

Diary Entry For September 7, 2009 Email Shortarmguy at Shortarmguy@aol.com
On Sunday, the Shortarmguy Family went to the Minnesota Science Museum. We figured that school is starting again soon so it’s time for us all to start learning a thing or two.
They had a special exhibit dedicated to a big boat called the Titanic. There were all sorts of things to read and learn about different aspects of the maiden voyage, but I was more fascinated with what the guide at the entrance told me. She said to not touch any of the cases because they had alarms connected to them that would go off if they were touched. I’m guessing she was bored and making things up, because I touched a whole bunch of those cases and never heard a single bell!
I guess the rules didn’t apply to this special display they had set up that was basically just a really large ice cube. Apparently it was supposed to represent the iceberg that brought down the big ship, but to me it just seemed kind of silly. I’ve seen ice before and this really didn’t look all that different than what I have in my front yard every January! And I don’t have to pay no stinking $35.00 exhibit fee to look at it then either!
On Monday night, we had the good fortune to go see the Minnesota Twins play their fierce rival, the Chicago White Sox at the Metrodome. Apparently the Twins have a shot to make the playoffs, so we were pretty pumped up to watch the game. I think some of the players were also pretty pumped up because we had really good seats and this would give them the chance to see me up close. I’m just guessing about this last part.
Joe Mauer had a big night for the Twins hitting a home run in the third inning. I had a feeling he was going to do well in the game because before it started I saw him rubbing his lucky penis.
We had a family first when we stayed until the end of the night and watched an entire Twins Game! Normally we struggle to make it to the 5th inning because one of us is begging to leave early. But the boys were having a great time and the Twins ended up winning the game 4 – 1. Then to top things off, one of the players threw a ball up to Luke and Avery right before the game ended. I told them to stand on their chairs and scratch their privates in salute of the Twins as a special way to say Thank You, but they wouldn’t do it!
On Friday night we went to the Great Minnesota Get Together, The Minnesota State Fair. We took turns stuffing our mouths all night with all sorts of food you could fit on a stick. If it didn’t fit on a stick, they’d usually just jam it in a cup but it still tasted pretty good anyways.
Between eating binges, we went to visit the wide variety of animals that were on display. The boys and I had a contest to see which one of us could tweak the largest animal’s testicles without getting any fingers bitten off. We stopped somewhere before the really big bulls because things were getting a bit too scary to continue.
We also enjoyed seeing the really big vegetables. This pumpkin won first place and weighed 1186 pounds. It was grown by a guy named Bill Foss from Buffalo, Minnesota. I’m guessing Farmer Foss is a pretty big dude if he needs to grow food this big. I’d hate to see the size of his toilet!

Nice Emails of the Week

Todd, I know you are always interested in the inspirational……and this one is lovely — and it’s my philosophy, too. I always remember a lesson I learned when I was studying to do my ministry.

My words create my world.

I am the sum total of every decision I have ever made and of every word spoken, and every thought ever held.

I choose to create my today and my tomorrow by thinking and speaking and choosing positive and happy words and thoughts.

Just a thought I want to share with you. God bless and have a happy week.

Your Florida, rain-soaked friend —- Shirley

Building My Bank Account

I Am Working on Building My Bank Account

This is AWESOME….something we should all remember.

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.’

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied.

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life..

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.

I am still depositing.

‘Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

First Time Dad

Brothers are Brothers (Regardless of Species!)
The Best Way To Get Firewood
Brothers Suck
The New BMW Jetta
Don’t Teach Your Kid To Do This
Best Ad For A Dating Site
Best Ad For Paint
How To Get a Friend For Your Kid
Thanksgiving Barbie
Quote of the Week “I didn’t get to where I am by thinking about it or dreaming about it. I got there by doing it.” – Estee Lauder, entrepreneur Jokes of the Week Classifieds FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGIA PEACHES California grown – 89 cents/lb. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And the best one?: LOL…. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month, Wife knows everything..!!!
Beavis and Butthead on Extract
Michael Jackson Medley
I Won’t Flinch

September 7, 2009


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read..”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grand pa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close.” They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.