Halloween

Halloween Definitions

Bobbing Apples:

What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman:

Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin:

What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein:

Hot dog and a mug of beer

Full Moon:

What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin:

How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man:

What a guy becomes when there’s housework to be done. Also, see “Mr. Hyde.”

Jack O’ Lantern:

An Irish pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper:

What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy:

Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch:

What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton:

Any super model.

Vampire Bat:

What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch:

See “Mother-in-Law.”

Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

TRICK OR TREATING BY STAR SIGN

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won’t go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they’re a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

Top Ten Signs You’re at a Bad Halloween Party

10. jack-o’-lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman’s head

9. A guy from Domino’s delivers a pizza — and wins best costume

8. Shirtless Ed Asner walking around as “The Wolfman”

7. You see the guy dressed as  former President Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife.

6. They’re serving haunted pancakes (video tape of Letterman with floating pancakes).

5. So-called ghost, just the old guy, from the 1-800-COLLECT commercials

4. You say “nice crazy dwarf costume” to a guy and he says “I’m Ross Perot, you bastard!”

3. Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little chipmunk like Ross Perot.

2. A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John Bobbitt.

1. Hey Chester — those ain’t candy corns!

 Top Ten Signs Your House Is Being Haunted By A Lame Ghost

10. When he “levitates” your furniture, you can clearly see the wires

9. Sometimes when you’re not looking, he’ll balance your checkbook

8. Awakens you in the middle of the night just to see if you want to play Yahtzee

7. Whenever you have someone over, jealously asks, “But you and I are still best friends, right?”

6. Spends all day on couch watching “Oprah”, crying his eyes out

5. Doesn’t moan, just laughs his ass off when you’re naked

4. When he forgets his key, has to wait for you to let him in

3. Tries to convince you he’s the ghost of Mickey Rooney, even though Mickey Rooney’s still alive

2. Scares you by saying he’s gonna vote for Bush

1. Your house is built on an ancient lame-person burial ground

 Top Ten Signs The Ghosts In Your House Don’t Give A Damn

10. There’s a Post-It on freezer that reads “boo.”

9. Message in blood on mirror reads: “Please get HBO.”

8. When you’re away, ghosts answer phone, take messages — don’t give them to you.

7. Mysterious voice tells you to, “Get out now…or don’t…it’s really up to you…”

6. They give you tape of “The Shining” to watch while they summer in Hamptons.

5. They pick up pace a week before Christmas, hoping for a tip.

4. Spirit asks if he can use you as a reference for job interview at Disneyland.

3. Only thing they can think of is to ring your doorbell and run away.

2. The only things they make disappear are the bottles of Bud in your refrigerator.

1. Always the same excuse: “We don’t have to do anything, we’re dead.”

 Top Ten Signs You’re Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.