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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails
Email Shortarmguy at Shortarmguy@aol.com
Crazy Emails For August 24, 2008

Why I Love The Olympics!

Well, I certainly hope not.

Half Priced Apples

What a nice monkey!

Real Windows

Can't understand why these Gummi Lighthouses never took off...

This is so romantic.

Nice Emails of the Week

Dear SAG: You probably don't remember, but I wrote you two years ago about my really lousy diagnosis. I had to have a bilateral mastectomy, (my 38 Double D-s were reduced to 36B-Flats...:) and the maximum chemo and radiation. Had any number of problems, falling white count, radiation burn, lost 30 lbs (doc made me gain it back, what a drag. hahah. NOT) and all in 6-7 months. But I am NOT complaining, since I am ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, I got to your web site. I see how you have coped all your life, and what a wonderful family you have, and I STOP feeling sorry for myself, and look at my wonderful family, and absolutely devoted spouse (over 52 years now) and I know I am truly blessed, as are you.

SO...keep it coming. I may not respond to your emails very often, but I read every last page, when I can hold up to get online.

Just know that somewhere in Florida there is a 76+ y/o gal who thinks you are TOPS. :)

Now, did that make your day. Ha ha. Just kidding...just kidding.

Hug your beautiful boys for me. Tell them it is from a little old lady who has NO grandsons...only 5 granddaughters. :)

With much affection

PS...one of the major side effects of all my treatment is short-term memory loss. Sometime tomorrow I will remember you first name. (Blush)

Quote of the Week

"Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity."

-- H. Jackson Brown, Author

Jokes of the Week

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You going to tell him or should I?

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Shortarmguy's Emails To Make You Think

Email Shortarmguy at Shortarmguy@aol.com

August 24, 2008

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those
in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for
life if you play your cards right.

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