Luke on Stage 2009 --- Shortarmguy.com Update for May 3, 2009

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Diary Entry For May 3, 2009

Email Shortarmguy at Shortarmguy@aol.com

On Saturday night, we connected with our old friends, Sean & Ann, for a night of debauchery! When the waitress arrived, she told us they were all out of debauchery so we'd have to order steaks instead. What a bummer.

We planned on going to The Basement in Prior Lake after dinner to watch a band, but quickly realized that wasn't exactly our scene. So we wandered to Hooligan's next door and discovered that it was karaoke night. I encouraged Miss Sheri to go up and sing and she did a fine job with her rendition of Karen Carpenter's "Close To You."

Now I've always had a problem with an open microphone. I've never been able to be around one without feeling a burning intensity to go up and share myself with the room. Sometimes this has worked out very well. Other times, not so much. This night fell into the latter category. I should probably have known better to not try to sing in the mental state I was in at the time. I should have also known that an Eminem song probably wouldn't go over very well in a place where everyone else was singing country music and the crowd was joining them in the chorus. Finally, I should have remembered that the song "Lose Yourself" is four and a half minutes of constant rapping without a single break and my fat ass has the lung capacity to rap for about a minute and a half before I completely lose my breath. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight.

On Monday night, the first year Webelos were invited to attend the local Boy Scout Troop meeting and discover how much fun we'd be having once we're officially Boy Scouts!

We were entertained by learning a whole bunch of new methods for doing "Dutch Oven Cooking". I'd always heard that Dutch Oven Cooking was when one farts in bed and then pushes his wife's head under the covers, but this was much tastier!

Miss Sheri and I had our stage experiences early in the week, but the rest of the week belonged to The Luke Man. On Tuesday night, he was in a choir concert and he was in a play on Friday and Saturday. We all rooted him on through each of his performances.

We had to take Luke to school an hour early for a few months so Luke could go to choir practice. He kicked and screamed and told us how much he hated choir pretty much on a daily basis whenever we told him he had to get up early and go to school. Thankfully, none of his venomous anger remained as we watched him sing a whole bunch of fun songs with his classmates! He also said he wanted to do choir again next year, so I'm guessing the tantrums were just more about waking up early.

Since Play Practice was after school and on Saturdays, we didn't hear much belly aching about attending them. He loved playing a policeman in this production of "Mr. Toad's Mad Adventures." It wasn't a very big part, but I think he made a decent impression on the audience. He showed a little bit of Angry Luke when he pleaded with the judge to throw the book at Mr. Toad for calling him a "Flat Foot." They all laughed as he stood there reading the charges against Mr. Toad while beating his hand with his trusty baton. Police Brutality has never looked so cute!

This week at Nor-Tech, a couple of co-workers thought it would be fun to shrink wrap one of our other's co-workers cars with a whole bunch of plastic! Steve "Cuds" Cuddihy did a nice wrap-up about it on his website here.

Nice Emails of the Week

You are a good man. God did right when he made you.

Tulsatime

I heard this one a few days ago:

One hundred years ago it was said that America would only elect a black president "when pigs fly". One hundred days later, Swine Flu.

love your site it always makes me laugh & think!!

Doug

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Crazy Emails For May 3, 2009

Somalia Pirate Hat

Scary Picture of a Swine Flu Victim

A Turtle Burger

I gotta find another place to sit

Quote of the Week

“Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in.”

– Bill Bradley

Jokes of the Week

I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
I have a head ache.
My back hurts.
I'm thirsty.
My feet hurt.

Diagnosis: I have whine flu

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,

She told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said there's more. I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,

I asked her how she knew. She said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

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May 3, 2009

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE CHILDREN READ IT TOO!

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to
grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under
her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on.

She sent him an instant message:

ByAngel213:
Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was
following me home today. It was really weird!

GoTo123:
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone
be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?

ByAngel213:
Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination
cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.

GoTo123:
Unless you gave your name out on-line.
You haven't done that have you?

ByAngel213:
Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.

GoTo123:
Did you have a softball game after school today?

ByAngel213:
Yes and we won!!

GoTo123:
That's great! Who did you play?

ByAngel213:
We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are
so gross! They look like bees. LOL

GoTo123:
What is your team called?

ByAngel213:
We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws
on our uniforms. They are really cool.

GoTo123:
Did you pitch?

ByAngel213:
No I play second base. I got to go. My homework
has to be done before my parents get home. I
don't want them mad at me. Bye!

GoTo123:
Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu
and began to search for her profile. When it
came up, he highlighted it and printed it
out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina

Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to
the mall. Besides this information, he knew she
lived in Canton because she had just told him.
He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every
afternoon until her parents came home from work.
He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line. He had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from
walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't
be so overprotective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the
footsteps following her.

Her game was in full swing when suddenly she
felt someone staring at her. It was then that the
memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.

He was leaning against the fence behind first base
and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't
look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.

Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat
until the time came to go to Shannon 's house.
He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there
until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when
she heard voices in the living room.

"Shannon, come here," her father called. He
sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why.
She went into the room to see the man from
the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

"Sit down," her father began, "this man has
just told us a most interesting story about you."

Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents
anything? She had never seen him before today!

"Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked.

"No," Shannon answered.

"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."

Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !"

The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true.. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids
from predators. I came here to find you to teach you
how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You
told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."

Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't
live in Michigan ?"

He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"

She nodded.

"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only
she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and
murdered her while she was home alone.
Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are
alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The
wrong people trick you into giving out information
a little here and there on-line. Before you know it,
you have told them enough for them to find you
without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?"

"It's a promise!"

That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all
knelt down together and thanked God for protecting
Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

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