On this page, I will post the funniest emails I receive on any given day. So email shortarmguy@aol.com the best stuff you get. I’ll only post the cream of the crop and not the other crap I get. Although I didn’t create the items on this list, my feeling is that they’re in the public domain since they were emailed to me with 600 other people. So no more damn copyright lawsuits!
Warning! Adult Material Below!
September 8, 2001 Emails
A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the five year old, “I think it’s about time we start swearing.” The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell,” and you say “ass,” okay?” The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” [bad text] [bad text] ..WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I’m not sure,” he says, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios.”
August 18, 2001 Emails
August 5, 2001 Emails
In an effort to save money an automated phone system will be in place effective immediately as follows: “Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.”
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.”
Crazy Email Archives