Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Jun07

I can't wait to see this movie!!!
I think Tony Soprano is sick of everyone whining about the Sopranos series finale...
I don't think I want kids playing up there....
This doesn't look good....

Quote of the Week

“Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I’ll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I’ll give you a stock clerk.”

— J.C. Penney, businessman

 

Joke of the Week

A  father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

“I  don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. 

“Promise me you won’t tell me.”


Confused, the father asked  what was wrong.

 

The boy sobbed,

“When I was  six, I got the “There’s no Easter Bunny” speech. 

At seven, I got the  “There’s no Tooth Fairy” speech. 

When I was eight,  you hit me with the  “There’s no Santa” speech. 

If you’re going to tell me  that grown-ups don’t  really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live  for.”

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Swank…again — genius.

 I always look fwd to Sunday night as my grandparents used to enjoy 60 minutes on CBS straight-up 6pm on Sunday’s.

Honestly, after reading the Prior Lake article…it only confirms what I know — you win Dad of the year.

I can only say this by having followed the site all the way through family vacations and Cub Scout outings.  Even though I’ve never met Luke and Avery, I can unequivocally say…they (and of course Ms. Sherri) are lucky to have a guy that gives as much as you do.

It’ll be lonely for a couple weeks for me, but at least I’ve got ShortArmGuy.com nearby.

Keep it up brutha.

-g

What an awesome article Todd! I didn’t have a chance to read it until tonight because I was too busy looking at fancy toilet seats. The quotes in the article make me feel inspired to make the most of my life and stop using my “emotional handicaps” as an excuse. What an inspiration you are to all who know you and the thousands that read shortarmguy.  You have so much to be proud of yourself about not only in your professional life but as a great Dad and the two terrific, intelligent sons you and Sheri are raising. Luke is so far ahead of where you when you were his age because of the role model he has in you and Sheri so think of the possibilities that await him. Avery has a new bike so he doesn’t need much more. Don’t let the naysayers get you down but keep doing what you do and thank God for it! Love you man!

Cliff

ps can I borrow $5.00 bucks?
 

Hi Todd,

 I’ve just finished reading the article about you that appeared in the Prior Lake paper.  I totally disagree with the negative anonymous email that they quoted in the article.  I thoroughly enjoy your website and look forward to Monday mornings to see the updates.

I also enjoy sharing jokes with you because you actually take the time to respond.  It is also kind of cool when you use a joke or funny video that I sent in. 

All I can say is keep it going and keep doing the great job you have done in the past.  By the way, I am signing my name on this comment.  Let them print that.

Bob Priebe

Hi, Todd.

Hope you’re doing well! My book is finished. It will be out October 16th.  

Here’s a link from Amazon.com. It’s called “A Complaint Free World.” 

Love and Blessings,

Will Bowen

What kind of movie theater is this?
Yeah, I appreciate that you cooked all night....but I'm really not that hungry.
Odd Travels
One Mean Fish!
Odd Travels

Quote of the Week

“If you insist on measuring yourself, place the tape around your heart
rather than your head.”
Carol Trabelle

Joke of the Week

Should children witness childbirth?

 Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call for a woman in labor.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mother Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,

“He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again!”

 

Nice Emails of the Week

Email from a friend after she saw this article in the Prior Lake American

HOLY CRAP YOU’VE MADE IT BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But in all seriousness love getting your weekly email on Sunday’s!!


Melissa

A couple new products inspired by Paris Hilton:
Yeah, I appreciate that you cooked all night....but I'm really not that hungry.
Sometimes, it's better to have a small one...
I sure do miss the old policy...
I think someone should bring back Fonzie Socks to the market. It's time for this fad to be born again!
Be careful where you step!

This is common in limestone karst areas (karst is limestone rock eaten away  by runoff water turning into sulphuric acid when combined with the rock and thus forms “caves” or “sinkholes”. Over “half” of the U.S. is sitting on karst formations…………

Is the rock under me 500′ thick……….or 3′ thick with a 330′ sinkhole under that or is it Carlsbad Caverns?

Be careful where you step!

By JUAN CARLOS LLORCA, Associated Press Writer

GUATEMALA CITY , Guatemala – A 330-foot-deep sinkhole killed at least two teenagers as it swallowed about a dozen homes early Friday and forced the evacuation of nearly 1,000 people in a crowded Guatemala City neighborhood.

Officials blamed the sinkhole on recent rains and an underground sewage flow from a ruptured main.  The pit emitted foul odors, loud noises and tremors, shaking the surrounding ground.  A rush of water could be heard from its depths, and authorities feared it could widen  or others could open up.

Be careful where you step!

Rescue operations were on hold until a firefighter, suspended from a cable, could take video and photos above the hole and officials could use the documentation to decide how to proceed.

The dead were identified as Irma and David Soyos, emergency spokesman Juan Carlos Bolanos said. Their bodies were found near the sinkhole, floating in a river of sewage.  Their father, Domingo, was still missing, according to disaster coordinator Hugo Hernandez.

Quote of the Week

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind
of battle.”

—Author Unknown

Joke of the Week

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

 

ROD and Reel


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
 

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by! The sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please. ”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

You might not want to park beneath this billboard!
Don't even want to think about what was happening here.
This looks like my kind of party!!
Not sure this holds true for me.
Good advice!

Quote of the Week

Thought you might like this quote. Have a good day.

Still like your site:)

Suzy

“Look up, laugh loud, talk big, keep the color in your cheek and the fire in your eye, adorn your person, maintain your health, your beauty and your animal spirits.’

William Hazlitt
1778-1830, Essayist

Joke of the Week

 

 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,  ‘SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD?’ WELL …

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS, DDS, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS ‘WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


HMMM …OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED South
 HIGH SCHOOL.

‘YES. YES, I DID. I HAD A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1964. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’  I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED, “‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH?”

 

 

Nice Email of the Week

Hiya Shortarmguy! 

I absolutely love your site, especially the crazy emails section.

I almost peed myself laughing at the attached pic someone sent this morning and thought you & other fans of your site may get a kick out of it!  I’d like to think of the title as “maybe she should have used the bathroom before the ATM”

Thanks for the great laughs!

 

That Nicole Richie sure is classy!
I wish my town had a dead alligator statue!

Quote of the Week

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”

– Seneca, statesman, dramatist, philosopher

Joke of the Week

SAD NEWS
 

With all the sadness and trauma  going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting  on the death of a very important person, which
almost  went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man  that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at
the age of  93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it’s funny.

 

Nice Email of the Week

In Ohio, on State route I-75 just north of Cincinnati, is a giant half statue of Jesus (also known as, Touchdown Jesus, drowning Jesus or Jeebus)

 A lot of people think it’s a waste of money that could have been spent on the poor, but I KNOW it’s a half buried robot that the church is going to use to destroy Cincinnati, like some type of GodZilla.

 

I manipped the picture to look like some guy from Minnesota.

Crazy Email Archives