Quote of the Week
I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
“My name is I AM”
He paused. I waited. He continued.
“When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I Was.
“When you live in the future with its problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I Will Be.
“When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here.”
“My name is I AM.”
Helen Mallicoat
Joke of the Week
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.
Here’s the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.
Amazing internet jukebox let’s you listen to any song you want!
Just search for a song title or artist and enjoy!
This photo was taken at a competition in June.
The competition was between 9 women who had to have makeovers, they had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of time.
Conclusion – there are no ugly women, only poor women
You finally have your brand new 65 foot custom built motor yacht complete with staterooms, GPS navigation, twin Supercharged diesels, etc. – Just the way you want it. — Only $2.5 million!!
Quote of the Week
Don’t let mistakes be so monumental, don’t let your love be so
confidential, don’t let your mind be so darn judgmental, and please let
your heart be more influential. Be thankful for all that the spirit
provides and be thankful for all that you see without eyes.
–unknown
Joke of the Week
Haircut
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
“How long before I can get a haircut”?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
“About two hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
“How long before I can get a haircut”?
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About three hours.”
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
“How long before I can get a haircut”?
The barber looked around the shop and said,
“About an hour and half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
“Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves”?
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house.”
Nice Email of the Week
Hey
I actually stumbled onto your site because I was googling “short arm” because I’m writing a silly song about middle-aged guys whose eyes go bad and they can’t hold menus – or whatever – far enough away, hence presbyopis or short arm syndrome.
Anyway – funny stuff. Gonna send the cat one to my aunt – she’s having back surgery today and could use a chuckle.
Well – back to work…
Here’s a clip someone sent me from Australia a few years ago (I’m in the States) to add to your collection.
Pretty funny.
Anyway, all the best – hope you achieve your goals.
Carl Ritchie
Quote of the Week
“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”
– Tom Bradley, former Los Angeles mayor
Joke of the Week
Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
“Hello. Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again ?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
Quote of the Week
“Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.”
– Peter Marshall, US Senate chaplain
Joke of the Week
The Bride
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. Of course, madam, replied the sales clerk, exactly what type and color dress are you
for? The bride to be said: A long frilly white dress with a veil. The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice? Well, replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my Marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time
bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a
terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again. What about your third husband asked the sales clerk. That one was a Democrat, said the woman and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.
Nice Emails of the Week
Loved your update 🙂 good stuff happy fourth to you and family
Miss July
Crazy Email Archives