There’s a new bowling alley in town! Brunswick, famous for their leadership in Bowling Balls and Billiards tables, have brought a really fancy bowling alley, sports bar, arcade, and billiards room to town just in time for the crashing economy and nobody being able to afford going there!
They did bring in the Hollywood style klieg lights which always gets me excited. Whenever I see these, I feel like I’m attending some exclusive Hollywood premiere and that there’s paparazzi all around pushing each other just trying to get a glimpse of me. In reality, I stood next to this truck for 10 minutes in the snow and not a single damned person tried to snap my photo. So I took a picture of the truck and went inside.
Our good friends, the Ashland Family, joined us for this fun night of bowling, chatting, and just a little bit of drinking. Not necessarily in that order.
For some reason, whenever we hang out together, Tim insists I sit on his lap for a good portion of the night. Not that I really mind it, I just don’t exactly understand what the thrill is all about.
The kids had fun tossing the balls down the alleys and taking advantage of the bumpers to demolish the highest score I’ve ever achieved in bowling. I think I’m going to start using bumpers in the future.
On Tuesday night, we had our monthly Cub Scout Den meeting where our good friend, Karl, helped the boys to earn their Engineering achievement. We’ve had a lot of fun with ladders, pulleys, and weights in our house before, but this was the first time we’d put an educational twist on it.
After teaching them about the pulleys and catapult, Karl then taught the boys how to have glowing eyes like the kids in the movie Village of the Damned. It was really quite spooky.
On Friday night, we were fortunate to attend the celebration of the election of our good friend, Tom Wolf, to be the new Scott County Commissioner! Tom used to be the boy’s basketball coach and we were happy to lend him our support as he sought his new office. Honestly, I haven’t a clue as to what the Commissioner does, but I’m confident Tom will make a heck of a good one!
On Saturday night, we went to the best Steakhouse in the nation, the Outback Steak House! The place was packed, so we started our evening at the bar and enjoyed the twofer specials! Since the tables around the bar are first come first serve and she had some hungry boys, Miss Sheri had been watching for an open booth. When she spied one, she stood by and waited for the busboy to clean it. Suddenly, a grumpy old man swooped in and took it right under her nose. She was quite upset that she was just treated so rudely. I told her to not feel bad about it, because that man was probably going to die soon and she was doing the right thing to let him have it. Strangely, this made her feel better about things.
Simply The Worst
I Miss Benny Hill!
Best Landing Ever
The Best Reason for Detention Ever
Quote of the Week
“I feel sorry for the person who can’t get genuinely excited about his work. Not only will he never be satisfied, but he will never achieve anything worthwhile.”
Walter Chrysler, automaker
Jokes of the Week
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’
The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’
The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your fucking bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!’
November 16, 2008
See more funny videos at Funny or Die
Jeff Dunham and Walter
Showing The Love
Email Shortarmguy at Shortarmguy@aol.com
November 16, 2008
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for – it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, race, creed, religion, etc. Please vote who you think will serve your interests the best.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You’ve seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I’m sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.
However, what you don’t see is the back story.
I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn’t have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no ‘off’ button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, —- <[edited out], and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations… you never realize the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my ‘stimulus’ check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don’t understand … to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this?
It’s quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don’t forget the backstory: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero
So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn’t? Whose policies will endanger your job?
Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you ‘It’s the economy stupid’ I’m telling you it isn’t.
If you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.
Fellow Business Executives:
As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have
to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot
increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we
will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn’t
know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8
Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these
folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair way
to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.